I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain

Hi,I'm addicted to porn and masturbation.I'm 31 now, and it seemed to ruin my life since childhood. I've been trying to fight it ever since.I was molested by relatives, and once by a stranger in a mall, when I was a kid. My dad was a hard worker that didn't support anything that I've ever done. He never had a good word to say and always compared me to other kids, and still does even to this day. So I had nowhere to go, even when I was molested. I retreated into fantasy and compulsive masturbation, and I didn't even know what it was. I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain.

The longest I've gone without porn and masturbation is a week. I used to say that if I didn't orgasm it didn't count. Boy, how deluded was my thinking!All of my experiences made me anorexic and manic depressive. I used porn and masturbation as a drug, but also to fantasize that someone loved me. The sick thing is that sometimes I fantasized about being abused. I don't really know why. I think maybe I wanted to reinforce the idea that I was a failure and unlovable. I thought that being molested ended any kind of normal life for me and my life was scarred forever.

Meanwhile, I re-live every sex scene

I am a 51 yr old liberal mom. I had my first and most devastating experience with a man addicted to porn. Why was it devestating? Emotionally they are not there with you. They are fantasizing, acting out or generally wanting you to engage in nasty sex. I did it to obtain his love. Big mistake. You will never reach guys who watch porn. They will always lust after others. That's a fact. I am trying to put together a program for our youth (I have 2 teenage sons). The final straw for me was my BF loudly announcing while camping that my p**** stinks. That was to excite him because he never wanted me to wash. Then he preceeded to tell me how very much he wanted to F*** a black girl that he became enamored with at that campout. Out of the otherside of his mouth he says, "I love you. Why won't you accept that? Long story short, I said I can't do this anymore. Three weeks to the day he had a new girlfriend. No pain. No in your heart lost love. Move on and move on quickly. Meanwhile, I relive every sex scene, the things said and done in the name of love. I wrote a dairy about the sex scenes, which my daughter found and read and became violently rageful on how I could let this happen to me. She said to me, mom what are you doing about what you've read about the effects of porn? If you want to make a difference, tell your story. Tell about the false intimacy. Tell about the secret dark world you found yourself in. She said, the things I read in there was not my mom. But it was. I participated in every sigle nasty sex scene to win his love....didn't work did it. He has no shame...it is what he loves. But, as Dr. Phil says, every person in those films is somebody's daughter or son. The thought of one of my sons being a porn star and f***ing women for other's pleasure and going home to his wife and kids inspires me to get involved in this crusade. Incest is big theme in porn. If my son has sex with his GF and calls her "mommie", I would be very offended. Why would he want to F*** his mother? We must speak up. We must refuse to continue or participate in relationships with men who watch porn. I wouldn't think of dating a cocaine addict. Why would I think porn is any different? It's not. A sex drug that kills the mind of love and intimacy.

I am having a hard time being intimate with a real person

...I have sucked so bad at relationships in the past, that my wife feels as if I don't desire her. I want her to so badly believe that my only desire in regards to sex is for her and no one or nothing else. I think part of this stems from the fact that I have been involved with porn & masturbation for so long, I am having a hard time being intimate with a real person, instead of being intimate with objects on a television screen. I don't know what to do sometimes, I just feel like I am struggling uphill with no summit in sight...

Just the "normal" porn wasn't good enough

My first time I was introduced to porn was when I was about 11. My friend who lived down the street who was the same age, was apparently allowed to have it. He lived with his mom, and in his room there was porn all over the place. It was never hidden, so I would believe that his mom had to know. And since his dad was no where to be found, where else would he be getting it from? Anyways, I had already been masturbating since I was 7 or so, not really knowing why, but I was. When i first saw this porn at my friends house, I was instantly hooked. I was practically living over is house, just so I could be around it constantly, and when I couldn't be there, I would "borrow" it and take it home and hide it. Porn changed my whole perception on what the world was really like. It made me think that all men and women were put on this earth for my pleasure. Being exposed to porn at such an early age, made drastic changes in my life, all for the bad of course! When I was 14 or so, I got my first computer. Back then it was BBS websites, nothing like it is today, but I was still seeking porn, or people. And I was still masturbating atleast 2-3 times a day. When I got to be about 16, and I got my first car, I would find myself picking up the free newspapers and looking for the porn ads and calling them, porn was in my head 24/7. I began "dating", but all it really was was picking up anyone I could just to have sex with them, and then rushing home to look at porn and mmasturbate again. My need for porn was out of control, even at the age of 17. After awhile, just the "normal" porn wasn't good enough. I was seeking more taboo subjects, or people. I would look at people and never think,oh they are nice people, I would look at them and sexualize them in my mind, just like I had seen in the porno's. I went to college and when I graduated, I began a career as a corrections officer. I passed all the tests with flying colors, I thought it was funny how I hid my addiction and now I was working for a police department! When I was 22 or so, I got the real internet as it exists today. Between cyber sex, porn sites, and emails, I could not get enough! Somewhere along the line, my porn addiction dipped into the child pornography. As I have told many people, the child pornography, to me, was never about sex. It was just another image to feed my addiction. I never talked to a underage person, or tried to meet an underage person, as we so frequently hear these days. But I did view and trade with other people child porn. I knew I had a problem and prayed to God to help me. And He did! I am currently awaiting sentencing on Feb. 3, 2006 in US Federal Court for possesion and distribution of child porn. And I am grateful!!!! I am facing some serious time in prison, but I am not bitter in the least. It's not like you can ask God to fix something under your terms, this is what He wants, and I will do as He asks. I have been using your monitoring program for about 2 months now, it is awesome, and I'm so grateful that you provide it free, since I am financially in ruins due to my pending incarceration. I went to my 12-step meeting this morning (saturday) and found out that your group will be coming to Willoughby Hills, Ohio next weekend, and I am anxious to go! I wish there was a way, I could help people realize just how horrible it really can get. I so grateful for people like you willing to make a stand and try to help others.

Bill

7 Years of Running Porn Sites

My name is Eugene,

for the last 7 years I have been an adult website ownerthis past year I have devolped severe depression and anxietyattacks (the depression and anxiety has wrecked my physical health)...My body aches all over my spirit feels completely crushed under the wheight of this blackness (sin)The majority of my anxiety attacks I have occured while'working' at my desk (I no longer work with porn).I have had two recent hospital stays for depression, one of them for attempted suicide. I have developed this hatred towards myself for the things I have done (I am not proud of who I have become), not ever considering the amount of harm I have done to the thousands and thousands of people who have visited and purchased items through my websites or to the families that could have been or have been destroyed because of my sin.This past week I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior....I have deleted all of my porn sites (over 300,000 images and videos)I prayed to God to give me guidence as to what to do with my domain urls - he told me to point the way to salvation with my most popular website.I am now redirecting traffic from one of my largest TGP sites ( http://smutmut.com/ , with over 14,224 unique visitors every 3 weeks) to http://xxxchurch.com/ - and have removed all other urls from my godaddy.com accountThese sites were how I made ends meet, as far as what I am going to do now for money... I am not sure right now but I know this much...God has a BIG plan for me.Pornography is no longer an option for meI can honestly say that pornography will 'kill'you emotionally spiritually and physically inevery sense of the word. It doesnt matter ifyou are a consumer, a producer or a porn actor...sooner or later the blackness will find you and consume you.the following photo is a box full of all my 'contacts' (emails, phone numbers, website addresses... etc.)and about 300 cds worth of adult content amounting to over500,000 images and countless video files.. http://smutmut.com/ps1.jpg

Pornography addiction is a whole body illness.

I was recently arrrested for exposing myself

I'm a 44 y/o male--only recently FORCED by the Lord to deal with LONG- STANDING sexual issues--to be completely open w/you, I was recently arrrested for exposing myself to teen girls--just today before a judge I pleaded guilty to 20 felony charges and 9 misdmnr. charges....I've really been a mess for years--in talking w/ a counselor, I've admitted to having this desire since I was about 8-12 years old and actually did perform this act during those years---oh how I wish I was caught THEN and gotten help as a child...I plead guilty cause I didn't want to fight it anymore--I wanted ownership and responsibility--I DO face the possibility of prison--that's up to the judge and God's Mercy--first time (caught) offense--very thankful to God for stoppong the bleeding--I mean, WHERE does THAT come from at such an early age???--Also, I'm very scared about the prison part--I've looked up prison rape on the net and I fit every description of one that gets attacked ...Next, my wife is divorcing over this--ironically, we're getting along better than ever through this as God--as she descibes, has removed a barrier in me. We have expressed love for each other like never b-4,---she just can't deal w/ the stigma right now---we also have a son --13 y/o who has Obsessive Compulsive Dis.--He's not doing well w/ it through this either--however, he never wanted much to do w/ the Gospel b-4, but now has been FAR more open than ever before. Please pray that God will continue to turn what was meant for evil and turn it in to Glory for Him---I see His gand moving in marvelous ways already, please also pray for my wif's peace and security--she's obviously very nervous about finances through this too, and please pray God's mercy on me through the judge and MOSTLY, for Him to continue to purify my heart!!!