homosexual relationship with my older brother

I witnessed my brother viewing pornography on the computer. My brother was 15 and I was 11. I was somewhat curious about what I saw on that computer screen. I saw my brother masturbating, so I thought I would try it. I fell in love with self-stimulation! After that, I began to view pornography every-so-often. It was "my secret little thing". I did not want anyone knowing about this, especially since my father was a pastor. I always had a feeling what I was doing was wrong, but I never really cared because "My life was perfect". This "secret thing" turned into an addiction within about six months.

Within about a year, I had a massive collection of pornography, over 300 images and 100 videos. I kept diving deeper into the world of sexual impurity and right after my 12th birthday I had my first of *many* same sex experiences. Why did this happen? Because I would do anything that would "satisfy" my sexual urges, even including sexual acts with a male. I had oral sex with a very close [male] friend. After it all happened, I felt even worse.

My pornography usage doubled and tripled. I was viewing porn 3-4 times a day. I would miss hanging out with friends just to watch a porn video. I kept relying on it to satisfy me, but it never did. I would masturbate and say to myself "that wasn't worth it", but in my mind I had to keep going. I started taking a "fondness" to males. I become so attracted to men, that I started having cyber sex with older men. When I say cyber-sex, I mean like webcams and everything.

I started wanting to experience gay sex, so I thought of a plan. I basically started a homosexual relationship with my older brother. My brother never really wanted to perform any "gay" acts, but I had the power of temptation on my side. Whenever I wanted sexual satisfaction, I would tempt him into performing random sexual favors for me. Did it stop at oral sex? Not at all! I preformed incest. All those happenings with my brother eventually sent me into a LARGE depression. In my mind, I had nothing to live for. My day consisted of school, eating, masturbating and watching porn.

The only effective pain reliever I have found so far is porn

My addiction is pornography and the other act that goes with it that I am too ashamed to write. The people that love me have told me many times that I need to stop this behavior. They tell me that I am hurting my family but they do not consider the extreme pain that I am in. I cannot tell you how bad I hurt on the inside! It is the pain of rejection. There are no words that you could say, or scripture that you could quote, that would ease this pain. The only effective pain reliever I have found so far is porn. Who would deny me of some pain free time? Even if it is just temporary.

No matter how well endowed you may think you are

I'm 39 years old. I had been exposed to sex and pornography since I was 8 years old (no joke). So it was embedded deep within my psyche. I had many years of the "nothing's wrong with it" phase. Then I became desensitized and straight sex held no interest at all, so things had to be perverse and freaky. Then I became such a sexual addict that I cheated on every girlfriend I ever had and would sleep with just about any willing female. By this time I knew that I was becoming (or already) deviant, and my conscience (now known as the Holy Spirit) was trying to reason with my brain, but the brain was having no part of it. Then I had the surgery that led to paraplegia, and was no longer able to function sexually at all (no feeling, no response, NOTHING), and you'd have thought that would have been the end, but I found out something; No matter how well endowed you may think you are, there's still one sexual organ that is bigger... THE BRAIN. I couldn't dare ask anyone to rent porn for me (that would have blown my well kept secret. I mail-ordered a few things, but that was too expensive for my new disabled fixed income, so Satan showed me the way to download free porn. I could find ANYTHING!!! I bought an external 250 gig hard drive, and I commenced to downloading. I would leave the computer on overnight, and I would sometimes take a week to download one, hard to get, clip or movie. I would be downloading 12 items at a time. I would go to bed late, and get up early in anticipation of what I would have waiting for me. I had been such a junkie that I had a LOT of stuff on there that I had not even gotten around to looking at yet, but I was still downloading more. All the while, the conscience was eating at me, but I was not stopping. Then I began looking at an evangelist on television. I used to make fun of this guy's commercials, but I found myself watching him one Sunday morning, and he addressed porn addiction in his sermon. Of course I denied an addiction, but as I thought about it, that was exactly what it was. I stopped the downloading, but I would not delete what I already had. I even went through periods where I didn't watch any of it, but I never deleted it. Then one day, I said to myself (or perhaps the Spirit said), I have no sexual function. "I'm getting absolutely NOTHING out of this!" And I called a friend over ( a female) to witness the deletion. I was fine with it for over a month; no regret, no temptation, then Satan whispered in my ear one morning and I fell for it. I went on a binge. I spent the whole day loading and looking. The main difference this time was that the conscience didn't just bother me, it BEAT THE DAYLIGHTS OUTTA ME!!! I have never in my life felt so worthless. Then came Satan's trick # 2. He tried to convince me that I was too ashamed to pray. That God was not gonna forgive me, and that I should just forget about trying to conquer this disease. Luckily, it didn't work. That is my message to everyone. When you backslide, don't be so ashamed that you think God won't forgive you. Pray a sincere prayer for forgiveness and strength to resist temptation, and then (this is the best part) FORGET ABOUT IT! Lamentations 3:22-23 says: "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning". God blesses us from THIS DAY forward. I'm living proof.

So I am now free, and that doesn't mean that I don't think about those videos. I think about them more than I'd like, but I now know Satan's tricks (he doesn't have any new ones). He goes after our weaknesses, but with my "Holy Conscience" I am able to shake it off and ignore him. As far as sexual impurity, at this time, I have no choice (haha), but I intend to be healed, and wen I am, sex will be saved until my wedding day.

I didn't mean to write all of this, and I apologize. tell you what... If you want to, you can copy and paste my testimony on any website you want. You can also add my e-mail address, and I don't think you know my last name, but my first name only.

[Leave a comment if you want Ron's email, I won't post it on a site cuz he will get spam]

You could say that I have anger issues towards women

I want you to understand something. It seems that only about five percent of me actually wants to be set free. The other ninety-five percent of me doesn't want any help ... So you can see the up hill battle I face every morning that I wake up. But that five percent keeps bringing me back here. You could say that I don't struggle with porn anymore, I just give in. In my twisted mind, the women of the world have what I want (sex) and they won't let me have it. I guess you could say that I have anger issues towards women. They can have sex anytime they want, with whomever they want.

Not every man masterbates till his penis is bleeding

I have heard people say "its every man's battle" please!! That is almost insulting to me. Not every man masterbates till his penis is bleeding, not every man breaks into his mother-in-law's home to see porn on her Satilete TV, not every man secretly spends hours and hours on the Internet looking for porn, not every man masterbates while driving...I did all those things...not every man does that.

My admission to being a sex addict was a huge blow against my pride. That is why I need to say "I'm a sex addict". If I don't my denial kicks in and I think I can handle this... and I can't.