we have a very good sex life and still I cant stop

8 years and still...

I am 26. I have 3 kids a beautiful wife. I cant get away from this p0rn thing. I don't know what is wrong with me but if I don't get away from this I... well I don't really know. I'm not depressed or anything I just feel like an a$$. My wife is the most beautiful girl i know and we have a very good sex life and still I cant stop. I need help!!

the only time i had control of my life was when i was abusing my wife

i was introduced to porn as a young boy. i was raised in a strict religious home..sex was not discussed. i never saw my parents touch each other...hug or kiss...though i knew they loved each other. i spent weeks during the summer at different cousin's houses. that is when i was introduced to the magazines...pics of naked women. this caused me to be more inquistive. as a young boy of around 12 years of age...i was molested by a friend of the family that once lived with us. this continued for several years until the age of 18. he also had porn available for me to use while he was molesting me. in using porn while this man was molesting me...it helped me to know i wasn't gay like he tried to make me believe. i could still be turned on by looking at women. being inquistive...i had a problem with voyeurism. i never liked the contact...just looking was a turn on. i met my wife at the age of 19 & i could not tell her of my past b/c of shame issues. i felt she would make me more ashamed. my parents was privy to my voyeurism but they did not know what the friend of the family was doing to me. i kept it a secret until after we had been married a little over 2 years. up until then, i told my wife lies about my childhood & that i had been with many women. she was, in deed, the first. when our daughter was about a year old, i told my wife about the friend of the family. she had become friends with him also. she made me tell my parents. needless to say, everyone was devastated. my shame grew. my wife confronted him when i couldn't. he told me that my wife would never be enough for me. all my lies turned me into a violent person...something i had never been. if my life was discussed..it made me angry. i didn't want to face all the hurt. what triggered the confession to my wife was when the friend of the family tried to make me do that with him again. i refused...it made him angry. i told my wife so that she would protect me. my wife is a fighter. i became distant with my wife...i felt i wasn't worth anything. i had failed her. i felt i couldn't be intimate. i became verbally abusive....tellin my wife she was ugly, fat, & other people looked better than her...physically & emotionally abusive . all of this made me feel insignificant & i had to make myself feel better....not realizing the damage i was doing to my wife. i was neglecting my wife which led her to having multiple affairs. each time she would have an affair...she would confess it...all i could do was pat her on the head or back..telling her that it was okay & don't do it again. my way of not dealing. there was no fight in me. no reason to stand up & fight for what was mine. after several years...i began looking at porn on the internet. i didn't have to go lookin for women...they readily available via the net. each one looked at me without judging me. they were tellin me that i was "the man". they fed my ego. my wife started leaving the house to stay with her best friend to give me time alone. all this time was spent surfing the net for porn. i didn't like the hardcore porn...i liked the sites where the woman was partially clothed. after a time, i got into the dating websites to meet women for sex. i met a couple of women that was interested in me & went to meet them. all this time...my wife was being forced out of our home...by me...in order to satisfy my addiction. she was seeing a couple of guys that was paying her attention. she became sexually active with them. my wife asked me didn't i know what we were doing was wrong & didn't i want to stop...my answer was "NO". i enjoyed it & i wanted to keep doing it. she had always wanted me to fly her to california & i always refused. never seemed to have enough money. one of these women i met online lived in michigan...telling my wife i would NEVER fly...i flew to meet her for a weekend. this woman fed my porn addiction by talking dirty to me. she sent me a half naked picture of herself when i returned home. after returning home, my wife told me she wanted to work things out & stop doing what we were doing & it infuriated me. she has toted bruises, a dislocated jaw, repeated slaps to the face...not to mention the humiliation she has suffered. i have been verbally abusive...callin her names...not to be mentioned here...i was emotionally abusive. it was like a crazy cycle. i would leave home to get away from her when she wanted to talk. i didn't want to face the monster i had become. i made her feel like she was the monster. after returning from michigan...i still had to have contact with this woman either phone or internet. my wife had threatened suicide while i was on the phone with this woman & i wouldn't get off the phone to take care of my wife. i had "feelings" for this woman..thought it was love. i thought she was everything that my wife wasn't..caring, lettin me be me, loving, not controlling...in reality she was controlling me from the time i met her. she was tellin me that i didn't love my wife & that my wife didn't love me. this odd relationship resembled the control the friend of the family had over me. i didn't want to face the fact that the woman from michigan was doing the same thing to me. the only time i have ever had control of my life was when i was abusing my wife. my wife had to be the way i wanted her to be or it angered me. i wasn't willing to give of myself to my wife but i found it easy to give to the woman in michigan. i refused to see a counselor...thinkin i had it all together...my wife was the one with the problem. after a while i didn't want to talk to this woman...she kept calling. i wouldn't answer her calls. the reality of what i was doing was becoming apparent. eventually we went to a marriage counselor, then to our son's pastor...he helped me face me & what i was doing. i, now know what i did was wrong...how i treated my wife was a sin. i've learned that women aren't sexual objects. my wife is to be loved, respected, cherished...she is truly captivating. i realize that she is my soulmate. she loved me thru all my issues. i can now face my past & be the husband that God intended. i am comfortable with my sexuality. i've realized that satan will use yur past & yur patterns to cause u to turn away from the truth. he will cloud yur mind using whatever means necessary. my wife & i are now communicating for the first time in our 29 years of marriage. it feels good to be able to tell her my innermost thoughts & fears & know that she is not judging me. i have forgiven myself...my wife has forgiven me as i have forgiven her. i love my wife more than i ever have before. it is the way God intended a husband to love his wife. i respect her, cherish her, adore her & will do everything in my power to protect her. i have become the fighter. i understand the consequences of my sins. one of the consequences is that my wife lost her hair in the ordeal due to the stress. it is growing back but i will forever reminded of what i did to her. as for the internet...it doesn't hold the same desires. at this time...i have a fear of the internet. i exercise caution. please be gentle with your comments...LOL. thanx for reading.

At the age of 5, I was raped by my oldest brother

I'm not sure how common my sex addiction story is. I thought I'd share it and see if anyone else can relate.

At the age of 5, I was raped by my oldest brother (13 at the time). It only happened once because I told my parents about it. I didn't remember it until I was 10. (I know I still had the memory of it, but it wasn't a conscious memory.)

When I was in junior high school, I was molested by my youth director's husband 2 or 3 times. When I told her about it, she confronted her husband. He, of course, denied doing it. About 10 years later, she came to me to apologize because she had found out he was molesting her youngest sister and had molested others as well.

From junior high on, I dealt with same-sex attraction and was involved with a girl when I was in high school. Our relationship was never more than kissing and heavy petting. My SSA has been pretty well defeated. With God's help, my counselor's help, and prayers by many friends, I have overcome that. Sometimes, I'll see a pretty woman and have some kind of SSA thought, but I'm able to tell Satan to bug off and it doesn't take over my thinking.As a senior in high school, I was date raped twice within a matter of days by the same guy. He was an older friend that I thought of as a brother. It took many years for me to be able to admitt that what happened was rape.

Off and one since junior I have dealt with thoughts of sexually abusing a younger child. I'm currently dealing with those same thoughts, only they are directed at my own children. I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED A CHILD INAPPROPRIATELY. My counselor is aware of this and were starting the process of dealing with these thoughts and feelings.

To make matters worse, someone reported these thoughts to CPS (Children's Protective Services) this past Saturday, so they are investigating it. Since I've not touch the kids and am doing things to not set myself up for a fall, we're all still home. I feel so betrayed and hurt. Someone I confided in has betrayed me.

It's been several years since I've looked at any porn (online or off). Again, I know it's been with God's help that I've not done so.

My husband is aware of what I'm dealing with and is being very supportive.Has anyone else dealt with similar thoughts? Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Police: Mother gives daughter to boyfriend for sex

MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Michigan (AP) -- A woman who feared she would lose her boyfriend while she recuperated from surgery arranged for her 15-year-old daughter to have sex with him, authorities said.

Police said the three signed an agreement specifying the sexual services the girl would perform and the compensation she would receive, including clothing and body piercings. The 37-year-old man and the girl had sex about 20 times over two months, police said.

"It's incredible that any parent would be involved in such a blatant case of abuse against her own daughter," prosecutor Tony Tague told The Muskegon Chronicle for a story published Thursday.

Authorities investigated after the girl talked to another adult, said police Detective Calvin Mahan.

The woman was freed on $25,000 bond after being arraigned on three counts of third-degree criminal sexual conduct.

The boyfriend, Michael J. Fitzgibbon, was being held without bail. He was arraigned last week on six counts of first-degree criminal sexual conduct.

It was unclear Thursday whether Fitzgibbon had an attorney.

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/08/11/underage.sex.pact.ap/index.html

The father had offered his mentally retarded daughter for sex

Let me tell you briefly about my past history and who I am. I am the youngest of three children, who were PK’s (preacher’s kids). I grew up knowing God and the difference between right from wrong. During my high school years I stayed out of trouble for the most part, but dabbled in a few things I shouldn’t have with a very close friend of mine. However, after high school I cleaned up my act and went to school to be a minister. I got married at a young age and was way too young to be a husband. I was very self indulged. After only seven years of marriage my wife left me. This was devastating. Everything I had ever worked for was about to be taken from me. To be a minister in the Baptist denomination you cannot be divorced.

However, God had a better plan. After a period of grieving for the loss of that marriage God called me to a church in Indiana to be youth minister and song director.That was when I met my second wife; it was love at first sight. We had known each other for years but had lost contact with one another. We married after only two months of dating, and a year and a half later we had a beautiful baby girl. She was the pride of our lives. My life was good, good things were happening and we were very much in love.

It was sometime after we bought our house that things started weighing on our marriage and became very stressful for us. We did not have the finances we really needed for the bills we had accumulated. It wasn’t too long until I got a part time job and then ended up leaving the church job that I had been working at for five years. I started working full time in the secular field with mentally ill adults. Because of this decision my wife had to go back to work and I believe that caused some resentment towards me from her (that is only my opinion). I now know I should had done many things differently.

That last year I started feeling sorry for myself over some things that are now insignificant, but at the time were discouraging to me. I felt like my wife was rejecting me, our lines of communication kept falling down to where we didn’t speak much to each other.
It would be easy for me to blame all of this on my wife, that’s what most of us do, we blame our own weaknesses and fears of self worth on others and mainly the people we love most when truly only we can control how we feel about ourselves.

I forget exactly how everything began, but I feel that it started one lonely night while my wife was asleep in bed. I got on the internet out of boredom and started surfing the net hoping to spend a short time browsing before becoming sleepy. I had no intentions of looking for sites I as a Christian should not be looking at. If you know anything about the internet it does not take a lot of work for inappropriate web sites to appear. Next thing I knew, I had spent three hours or more surfing through pornographic web sites. I was hooked. Night after night I would spend hours browsing these sights. If I had free time during the day, my computer was up and running searching for more and more porn. I never knew you could find this much free porn on the internet, but the fact is it is full of free websites waiting to take you in.

Then I discovered the world of Chat. This became more addicting to me, because now pornography was only a chat member away. I had several people sending me pornography of all sorts, things I had never seen before, things I am now ashamed to say I have even seen. The fact about pornography is that it gradually worsens, it sucks you in.

I remember the saying growing up that says, sin will take you further than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay. How true that had become in my life. You see, one of the men I was chatting with was a pedophile. I didn’t know this. He who took a plane ride to Florida where he was to hook up with a father of a mentally retarded girl. The father had offered his daughter to the man for sex. Little did he know that the father was an undercover policeman who arrested him on the spot. This man was desperate because he was now looking at jail time. So, in order to try and get himself out of trouble he gave names of other people they should investigate and I was one of those people. He had lied and told them I had offered my daughter to him for sex and that in the near future we were going to make arrangements to meet.

That’s where the vice cops and FBI agents come into play. I had worked a late night at my job and had just laid down when I got a knock at the door. It was the police. They came in to interview me and set up a tape recorder. My heart was pounding and my chest was tight. What did they want with me? They began to unravel the events that had led them to me and the reason we were meeting. Come to find out this man lived just down the road from us and knew where we lived, not to mention he knew all our names. I had never been so frightened in all my days. I explained to them that none of what he suggested was true and gave them permission to diagnosis my computer to look for child pornography.

The police had every intension of arresting me that day, believing what this man had said was true. The FBI agent installed a program on my computer that would search for all images on my computer. To make a long story short, there was no child pornography on my computer. We chatted a little more about this man, they advised me they had not said anything to my wife and as far as they could see there would be no more need to look into this matter.

This is where I made the worst decision of my life. I should have gone to my wife and confessed all that had happened and all the things that I was into online, but I didn’t. I had never had so much fear in my life and for a week I could not sleep. I kept looking out the windows, all along wanting so much to tell my wife what had happen. However, the police advised me that there was no need to bring her into this and that I should seek some help for the pornography. The truth was, they had already gone to my wife before ever meeting with me and because of the deceitfulness of my action she became scared and didn’t know what she should do. Her first thought was to protect our daughter. I imagine she had no other choice but to believe this could be true. I was acting strangely and didn’t tell her anything about what had happened. That week she filed for divorce unbeknown to me. The following week the police returned to my home with search warrants on my house and place of employment.

I remember sitting on the front lawn as the neighbors watched them take my computer and computer equipment, police cars all over. It looked like a scene from a movie. Next they told me they were on their way to my office and were going to do a search there. My heart dropped and as they left my house and went to my office I barely remember the steps I took. I remember grabbing a bottle of pills and calling my Pastor. He took me to see a lawyer who tried to calm me down and could see my plan for suicide. I ended up at the hospital and all I could say was “I want to die” over and over again. Suicide was now the one constant thing on my mind, my life was now over. Even though I knew I was not involved in offering my daughter for sex the police were letting everyone think that and on top of that I had so much guilt for the other things I had been involved in, all I wanted to do was die. Pornography led me to many risky things; although not illegal they were very immoral. How was I going to face anyone ever again? How was I going to face my wife?

The truth is I fell into sin and I got in way over my head. I betrayed my wife, my boss, my friends, my family members and I especially betrayed God. I remember during times of my sins, pushing God out. I would feel His power of conviction fall over me and I would tell Him no! I was going to do what I wanted. That is one of the hardest things I am dealing with today. You see, the nature of my sin is really unimportant at this moment, in God’s eyes sin is sin. It is the selfishness I had of only caring for myself that is tragic. I never thought I would so purposely push God away and tell Him to leave me alone so I could indulge in my sin.

You see, I have only shared with you the sins I have chosen to share with you. Yet, with God there is no sin I can hide from him, He knows all that I have done, where I have been. Now, I have had to come to terms with an addiction to pornography and sex realizing that I am powerless over it. I need Christ to be strong in my life if I am to overcome this. I in no way feel I deserve forgiveness. In fact, it is very hard to accept.

Never in my life have I felt so unwanted, so undesirable, so unnecessary.

My husband died two years ago at the age of 33. Before his death (and even now to some degree) we had a secret. He was addicted to pornography. I didn't know this prior to our marriage, but once I discovered it, I was devastated.

Perhaps I just want someone to hear what I've been through. So many people say "It's just a magazine" or "It's just a couple of videos." My husband would even say "Well they're just on paper." It was and is more than that.

There is something implied in a husband's use of pornography that his wife is not satisfying to him. Logically it would seem that if he were satisfied with her he wouldn't need the other. Never in my life have I felt so unwanted, so undesirable, so unnecessary. In my mind he was cheating on me - perhaps he couldn't touch those girls physically, but they occupied his mind, called his name and captivated him in a way that I couldn't.

If I were hard to look at or frigid I might be willing to give him a little slack, but I'm neither. I loved sex, I loved sharing it with my husband until his addiction was such that I wasn't enough - not adventurous enough (grossly adventurous was what he wanted), not perfect enough, not enough of anything and it hurt.

My purpose in sharing this is not to whine, but to raise awareness. His battle created a huge battle for me - it shook my self esteem and everything about me as a woman to the core. The one place (besides my Heavenly Father) that I was supposed to be safe, desired, I wasn't. My husband preferred masturbating to magazines and videos to sex with me. That hurts. While I know that I shouldn't take it personally, he had an addiction, it still hurts. There is nothing more humiliating, devastating and demeaning than to know that the love of your life doesn't want you the way he is supposed to want you.

If you are struggling with an addiction or even just dabbling in pornography, may I encourage you with this - your actions do affect others - no one behaves in a vacuum and what may seem like a "secret sin" or harmless, really isn't. During the times when you struggle the most perhaps it will help to know that by leaving pornography behind, you are choosing to live wholly, a full life. The deceit that goes along with addictions will eat at you until you feel that every part of you is coming apart - you are worth more than that. Your life is worth more than that. Your family and those that depend on you are worth more than that.

He stares at women in public and rubs himself on me

I have been with the same man on and off for 5 years.. We started to get married a few times but I just couldn't do it because he has problems with lust and he loves it more than me. I know he looks at porn, { pics and movies } because I have found books, vhs tapes and the crap on the computers. We have fought about it numerous times.. His problem with lust is so bad that he can't even watch a regular movie with the people fully dressed without going into fantasy land. His touching himself so much during movies has taken the enjoyment out of watching movies or even regular tv from me and then he has the nerve to get upset at me for not wanting to watch movies with him. I hate to go out in public with him for fear of how he will hurt me next. I've seen him staring at women when we are together and he used to pull me close to him and rub himself on me when he would get excited at looking at them until I realized what was happening and stopped it. When we do go out together, most of the times I keep my eyes on the ground now so I wont have to see who he wished I was. I can only wonder how many times he had sex with me while he was on me..... Just a little over 2 weeks ago was the last time I found porn on his laptop { also the last time I looked }. I told him that we were over and he for the first time confessed to me that he was a sex addict. He has not went into detail about it but I truly believe that besides the porn, fantasy, and masturbation, I also believe in my heart that he has had sex with other people sence we have been together. I don't know if he admitted having problems because he loves me enough to want to make us work or if he only told me that because he has no where to go. He has no family or friends to turn to and no money to get his own place. He is in his 30's but he is not a responsible person and can't make it on his own. He thinks money is only for the enjoyable things in life. He lived on his own for a short time and was not good at keeping the bills paid or makin sure he had enough food. He got a roommate and he still couldn't keep up with the bills. I loved him and wanted to marry him and had hope that he would change so I asked him to move in with me. He did not change and we did not get married. I believe he does love me some, but just how much I honestly don't know. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone very much anyway. But I am getting ok with that now because I don't love him as I once did. Too much pain cuts love way down. Although I do still love him just not as I used to. He was married before and has a child and lost them because of his problems. He hasn't seen his child in years or hasn't even talked on the phone. It is a great fear of mine that if he doesn't help himself that he will end up molesting his child when they do reunite. I know that he lusts after early teens. I fear he lusts after children even younger, although I have no proof of that... He says he is trying to change. He has done some research and some posting. He has admited to me that he is a sex addict.. Those things are more than he's ever done but I am still afraid to believe in him because of so many lies..

I'm feeling lost and unwanted because we have no sex life

I was exposed to porn at a young age, I found my father's stash and I liked it. Most of the men I got involved with also enjoyed porn. I didn't start to feel betrayed by my partners viewing porn until about 5 years ago. Since then porn has lost it's luster for me but I've tried to be patient and understand with my partners for their use of it, because I understand the no expections relief it offers them. It thrills me that my husband has made the choice to try to kick the habbit himself. I try to be supportive and nonjudgemental when we talk about the issue, but I know he hides his usage of it from me because he admits that he still looks at it a couple of times a week. We have good communication skills, so I feel guilty coming here and asking for prayer, but I'm feeling lost and unwanted because we have no sex life. I understand his issues and there are several other factors besides the porn (bi-polar being a huge part of it too). I know he's hurting but he doesn't even want me touching him and this kills me because I'm a very touch oriented person. I've gotten to the point where I don't even try to kiss, cuddle, or initiate sexual relations with him because I'm afraid of being shrugged off. He isn't being ugly with me when he does it and he knows how I feel cause we have talked about it, but he is unable to overcome these issues that prevent him being intimate and I am finding it hard to keep a positive attitude and feel that I am starting to slip into depression again.

If I want to get turned on I just go to church for my fix

Hi,I am new to the forum, and I have recently been taking on the battle to stop looking at porn, and masturbating. One of the toughest areas I am also battling besides what is in my mind, is what I also see on a daily basis.

What I say from here may sound kind of strange, but please try to understand this situation. This is just a manifistation from the porn I have looked at and now I have to find a way to stop.

The problem is that I am extremely turned on for women who look very nice or well dressed - wearing black leather high heel stiletto pumps or knee high heel dress boots - no matter what she may be wearing with them - pencil skirts, jeans, dress pants - doesn't matter - if they are in high heels or boots, I am totally attracted to that as I find it very feminine and classy, but also very sexual. I just know in my mind that many women don't wear them, and so when I see a woman that does, I somehow equate them sexually into my mind.

My wife likes wearing her 3-4" stiletto black pumps for me often or if I ask her, but the sad part is that I don't really pay attention to her if she is wearing them. I am more consumed if it is another woman wearing them or for the pumps or boots themselves. If there is a period of time that I am not with my wife sexually, I have these strong desires which I follow through often to mastrubate onto and in her high heel pumps which I learned from reading and looking at so much porn doing this very act. I am consumed for an object that I can't see how to detach myself from it. At one point, I was so mad about the situation and couldn't stop, I have taken some of my wife's very expensive high heels and boots (i am talking $200+ or more each) and just thrown them in the trash because I felt my attraction to them was too strong. I thought I was taking a good stand, but that wasn't addressing the root of the problem - which I am still trying to figure out - why am I so attracted to women dressed like and wearing high heels? why? I can't figure it out. All I have ever heard is "whatever floats your boat", and "it's okay to be attractive to things".

The problem comes into play every week - God says I can have an escape when tempations arrives, but what do I do when I goto church, and these young college girls and women are all decked up at church, and I see them dressed like this, wearing the knee length skirts, wearing their high heels, seeing their legs - which just totally interrupts my mind, my prayers, my thinking, everything. What do I do when I see them with their legs crossed, bouncing their legs, flexing their feet in the high heels or rolling their ankels in their heels or boots? I have no escape it feels like. I goto church hoping to have a renewal and refreshing with God, but then find myself lusting in church more than I would if I were out of it. Do you know how stupid it is for me to know that if I want to get turned on - just goto church for my fix? It is driving me crazy in my mind this constant battle. Then all I think about is that woman wearing what I saw, and if my wife was to wear the same thing, I don't know if I would really care.

So really, what can I do here? I try to take my thoughts captive, but it seems like I always fail. The only way I can equate this is to a person who is a former alcoholic , but still has to goto the store and may have to pass the beer aisle. How do I get to the point that I don't feel this way about what I see and follow through acting out through masturbation?

I need prayer in this area of my life. I don't want to stand before God having to answer to this and why I never overcame it through His Strength. One of the biggest things that bothers me is that in Galatians 5:19-21, that people who engage in sexual immorality, perversion, and the likes, as a warning, that those who live like this, will not inherit the kingdom of God. When I read that, i feel sick. I am a Christian, and I know God has Mercy for us, but there is also Judgement. I don't want to give a false sense of security by saying, "God created me. He will understand why I had to do this and why I liked this. Jesus has covered my sin - I am not perfect". All this is just Lust in my heart, mind and flesh for perverted things, and I need it ripped out. I don't want to be sent to Hell for Porn and a stupid high heel fetish. I need some insight and some key things I can do to start looking at women differently, detaching myself from how a woman looks and wears, and making my heart, mind, flesh pure to God.

Then the other part that bothers me is that if there is a message about Jesus, it is His Love. I can only imagine being asked, "How did you love your wife while on earth?" My response, "I just lusted for her - I never knew love". If God is Love, and we know and practice Love, then we know God. I guess I don't, and that has to change.

Serious replies appreciated. Thanks.

homosexual relationship with my older brother

I witnessed my brother viewing pornography on the computer. My brother was 15 and I was 11. I was somewhat curious about what I saw on that computer screen. I saw my brother masturbating, so I thought I would try it. I fell in love with self-stimulation! After that, I began to view pornography every-so-often. It was "my secret little thing". I did not want anyone knowing about this, especially since my father was a pastor. I always had a feeling what I was doing was wrong, but I never really cared because "My life was perfect". This "secret thing" turned into an addiction within about six months.

Within about a year, I had a massive collection of pornography, over 300 images and 100 videos. I kept diving deeper into the world of sexual impurity and right after my 12th birthday I had my first of *many* same sex experiences. Why did this happen? Because I would do anything that would "satisfy" my sexual urges, even including sexual acts with a male. I had oral sex with a very close [male] friend. After it all happened, I felt even worse.

My pornography usage doubled and tripled. I was viewing porn 3-4 times a day. I would miss hanging out with friends just to watch a porn video. I kept relying on it to satisfy me, but it never did. I would masturbate and say to myself "that wasn't worth it", but in my mind I had to keep going. I started taking a "fondness" to males. I become so attracted to men, that I started having cyber sex with older men. When I say cyber-sex, I mean like webcams and everything.

I started wanting to experience gay sex, so I thought of a plan. I basically started a homosexual relationship with my older brother. My brother never really wanted to perform any "gay" acts, but I had the power of temptation on my side. Whenever I wanted sexual satisfaction, I would tempt him into performing random sexual favors for me. Did it stop at oral sex? Not at all! I preformed incest. All those happenings with my brother eventually sent me into a LARGE depression. In my mind, I had nothing to live for. My day consisted of school, eating, masturbating and watching porn.

The only effective pain reliever I have found so far is porn

My addiction is pornography and the other act that goes with it that I am too ashamed to write. The people that love me have told me many times that I need to stop this behavior. They tell me that I am hurting my family but they do not consider the extreme pain that I am in. I cannot tell you how bad I hurt on the inside! It is the pain of rejection. There are no words that you could say, or scripture that you could quote, that would ease this pain. The only effective pain reliever I have found so far is porn. Who would deny me of some pain free time? Even if it is just temporary.

No matter how well endowed you may think you are

I'm 39 years old. I had been exposed to sex and pornography since I was 8 years old (no joke). So it was embedded deep within my psyche. I had many years of the "nothing's wrong with it" phase. Then I became desensitized and straight sex held no interest at all, so things had to be perverse and freaky. Then I became such a sexual addict that I cheated on every girlfriend I ever had and would sleep with just about any willing female. By this time I knew that I was becoming (or already) deviant, and my conscience (now known as the Holy Spirit) was trying to reason with my brain, but the brain was having no part of it. Then I had the surgery that led to paraplegia, and was no longer able to function sexually at all (no feeling, no response, NOTHING), and you'd have thought that would have been the end, but I found out something; No matter how well endowed you may think you are, there's still one sexual organ that is bigger... THE BRAIN. I couldn't dare ask anyone to rent porn for me (that would have blown my well kept secret. I mail-ordered a few things, but that was too expensive for my new disabled fixed income, so Satan showed me the way to download free porn. I could find ANYTHING!!! I bought an external 250 gig hard drive, and I commenced to downloading. I would leave the computer on overnight, and I would sometimes take a week to download one, hard to get, clip or movie. I would be downloading 12 items at a time. I would go to bed late, and get up early in anticipation of what I would have waiting for me. I had been such a junkie that I had a LOT of stuff on there that I had not even gotten around to looking at yet, but I was still downloading more. All the while, the conscience was eating at me, but I was not stopping. Then I began looking at an evangelist on television. I used to make fun of this guy's commercials, but I found myself watching him one Sunday morning, and he addressed porn addiction in his sermon. Of course I denied an addiction, but as I thought about it, that was exactly what it was. I stopped the downloading, but I would not delete what I already had. I even went through periods where I didn't watch any of it, but I never deleted it. Then one day, I said to myself (or perhaps the Spirit said), I have no sexual function. "I'm getting absolutely NOTHING out of this!" And I called a friend over ( a female) to witness the deletion. I was fine with it for over a month; no regret, no temptation, then Satan whispered in my ear one morning and I fell for it. I went on a binge. I spent the whole day loading and looking. The main difference this time was that the conscience didn't just bother me, it BEAT THE DAYLIGHTS OUTTA ME!!! I have never in my life felt so worthless. Then came Satan's trick # 2. He tried to convince me that I was too ashamed to pray. That God was not gonna forgive me, and that I should just forget about trying to conquer this disease. Luckily, it didn't work. That is my message to everyone. When you backslide, don't be so ashamed that you think God won't forgive you. Pray a sincere prayer for forgiveness and strength to resist temptation, and then (this is the best part) FORGET ABOUT IT! Lamentations 3:22-23 says: "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning". God blesses us from THIS DAY forward. I'm living proof.

So I am now free, and that doesn't mean that I don't think about those videos. I think about them more than I'd like, but I now know Satan's tricks (he doesn't have any new ones). He goes after our weaknesses, but with my "Holy Conscience" I am able to shake it off and ignore him. As far as sexual impurity, at this time, I have no choice (haha), but I intend to be healed, and wen I am, sex will be saved until my wedding day.

I didn't mean to write all of this, and I apologize. tell you what... If you want to, you can copy and paste my testimony on any website you want. You can also add my e-mail address, and I don't think you know my last name, but my first name only.

[Leave a comment if you want Ron's email, I won't post it on a site cuz he will get spam]

You could say that I have anger issues towards women

I want you to understand something. It seems that only about five percent of me actually wants to be set free. The other ninety-five percent of me doesn't want any help ... So you can see the up hill battle I face every morning that I wake up. But that five percent keeps bringing me back here. You could say that I don't struggle with porn anymore, I just give in. In my twisted mind, the women of the world have what I want (sex) and they won't let me have it. I guess you could say that I have anger issues towards women. They can have sex anytime they want, with whomever they want.

Not every man masterbates till his penis is bleeding

I have heard people say "its every man's battle" please!! That is almost insulting to me. Not every man masterbates till his penis is bleeding, not every man breaks into his mother-in-law's home to see porn on her Satilete TV, not every man secretly spends hours and hours on the Internet looking for porn, not every man masterbates while driving...I did all those things...not every man does that.

My admission to being a sex addict was a huge blow against my pride. That is why I need to say "I'm a sex addict". If I don't my denial kicks in and I think I can handle this... and I can't.

I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain

Hi,I'm addicted to porn and masturbation.I'm 31 now, and it seemed to ruin my life since childhood. I've been trying to fight it ever since.I was molested by relatives, and once by a stranger in a mall, when I was a kid. My dad was a hard worker that didn't support anything that I've ever done. He never had a good word to say and always compared me to other kids, and still does even to this day. So I had nowhere to go, even when I was molested. I retreated into fantasy and compulsive masturbation, and I didn't even know what it was. I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain.

The longest I've gone without porn and masturbation is a week. I used to say that if I didn't orgasm it didn't count. Boy, how deluded was my thinking!All of my experiences made me anorexic and manic depressive. I used porn and masturbation as a drug, but also to fantasize that someone loved me. The sick thing is that sometimes I fantasized about being abused. I don't really know why. I think maybe I wanted to reinforce the idea that I was a failure and unlovable. I thought that being molested ended any kind of normal life for me and my life was scarred forever.

Meanwhile, I re-live every sex scene

I am a 51 yr old liberal mom. I had my first and most devastating experience with a man addicted to porn. Why was it devestating? Emotionally they are not there with you. They are fantasizing, acting out or generally wanting you to engage in nasty sex. I did it to obtain his love. Big mistake. You will never reach guys who watch porn. They will always lust after others. That's a fact. I am trying to put together a program for our youth (I have 2 teenage sons). The final straw for me was my BF loudly announcing while camping that my p**** stinks. That was to excite him because he never wanted me to wash. Then he preceeded to tell me how very much he wanted to F*** a black girl that he became enamored with at that campout. Out of the otherside of his mouth he says, "I love you. Why won't you accept that? Long story short, I said I can't do this anymore. Three weeks to the day he had a new girlfriend. No pain. No in your heart lost love. Move on and move on quickly. Meanwhile, I relive every sex scene, the things said and done in the name of love. I wrote a dairy about the sex scenes, which my daughter found and read and became violently rageful on how I could let this happen to me. She said to me, mom what are you doing about what you've read about the effects of porn? If you want to make a difference, tell your story. Tell about the false intimacy. Tell about the secret dark world you found yourself in. She said, the things I read in there was not my mom. But it was. I participated in every sigle nasty sex scene to win his love....didn't work did it. He has no shame...it is what he loves. But, as Dr. Phil says, every person in those films is somebody's daughter or son. The thought of one of my sons being a porn star and f***ing women for other's pleasure and going home to his wife and kids inspires me to get involved in this crusade. Incest is big theme in porn. If my son has sex with his GF and calls her "mommie", I would be very offended. Why would he want to F*** his mother? We must speak up. We must refuse to continue or participate in relationships with men who watch porn. I wouldn't think of dating a cocaine addict. Why would I think porn is any different? It's not. A sex drug that kills the mind of love and intimacy.

I am having a hard time being intimate with a real person

...I have sucked so bad at relationships in the past, that my wife feels as if I don't desire her. I want her to so badly believe that my only desire in regards to sex is for her and no one or nothing else. I think part of this stems from the fact that I have been involved with porn & masturbation for so long, I am having a hard time being intimate with a real person, instead of being intimate with objects on a television screen. I don't know what to do sometimes, I just feel like I am struggling uphill with no summit in sight...

Just the "normal" porn wasn't good enough

My first time I was introduced to porn was when I was about 11. My friend who lived down the street who was the same age, was apparently allowed to have it. He lived with his mom, and in his room there was porn all over the place. It was never hidden, so I would believe that his mom had to know. And since his dad was no where to be found, where else would he be getting it from? Anyways, I had already been masturbating since I was 7 or so, not really knowing why, but I was. When i first saw this porn at my friends house, I was instantly hooked. I was practically living over is house, just so I could be around it constantly, and when I couldn't be there, I would "borrow" it and take it home and hide it. Porn changed my whole perception on what the world was really like. It made me think that all men and women were put on this earth for my pleasure. Being exposed to porn at such an early age, made drastic changes in my life, all for the bad of course! When I was 14 or so, I got my first computer. Back then it was BBS websites, nothing like it is today, but I was still seeking porn, or people. And I was still masturbating atleast 2-3 times a day. When I got to be about 16, and I got my first car, I would find myself picking up the free newspapers and looking for the porn ads and calling them, porn was in my head 24/7. I began "dating", but all it really was was picking up anyone I could just to have sex with them, and then rushing home to look at porn and mmasturbate again. My need for porn was out of control, even at the age of 17. After awhile, just the "normal" porn wasn't good enough. I was seeking more taboo subjects, or people. I would look at people and never think,oh they are nice people, I would look at them and sexualize them in my mind, just like I had seen in the porno's. I went to college and when I graduated, I began a career as a corrections officer. I passed all the tests with flying colors, I thought it was funny how I hid my addiction and now I was working for a police department! When I was 22 or so, I got the real internet as it exists today. Between cyber sex, porn sites, and emails, I could not get enough! Somewhere along the line, my porn addiction dipped into the child pornography. As I have told many people, the child pornography, to me, was never about sex. It was just another image to feed my addiction. I never talked to a underage person, or tried to meet an underage person, as we so frequently hear these days. But I did view and trade with other people child porn. I knew I had a problem and prayed to God to help me. And He did! I am currently awaiting sentencing on Feb. 3, 2006 in US Federal Court for possesion and distribution of child porn. And I am grateful!!!! I am facing some serious time in prison, but I am not bitter in the least. It's not like you can ask God to fix something under your terms, this is what He wants, and I will do as He asks. I have been using your monitoring program for about 2 months now, it is awesome, and I'm so grateful that you provide it free, since I am financially in ruins due to my pending incarceration. I went to my 12-step meeting this morning (saturday) and found out that your group will be coming to Willoughby Hills, Ohio next weekend, and I am anxious to go! I wish there was a way, I could help people realize just how horrible it really can get. I so grateful for people like you willing to make a stand and try to help others.

Bill

7 Years of Running Porn Sites

My name is Eugene,

for the last 7 years I have been an adult website ownerthis past year I have devolped severe depression and anxietyattacks (the depression and anxiety has wrecked my physical health)...My body aches all over my spirit feels completely crushed under the wheight of this blackness (sin)The majority of my anxiety attacks I have occured while'working' at my desk (I no longer work with porn).I have had two recent hospital stays for depression, one of them for attempted suicide. I have developed this hatred towards myself for the things I have done (I am not proud of who I have become), not ever considering the amount of harm I have done to the thousands and thousands of people who have visited and purchased items through my websites or to the families that could have been or have been destroyed because of my sin.This past week I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior....I have deleted all of my porn sites (over 300,000 images and videos)I prayed to God to give me guidence as to what to do with my domain urls - he told me to point the way to salvation with my most popular website.I am now redirecting traffic from one of my largest TGP sites ( http://smutmut.com/ , with over 14,224 unique visitors every 3 weeks) to http://xxxchurch.com/ - and have removed all other urls from my godaddy.com accountThese sites were how I made ends meet, as far as what I am going to do now for money... I am not sure right now but I know this much...God has a BIG plan for me.Pornography is no longer an option for meI can honestly say that pornography will 'kill'you emotionally spiritually and physically inevery sense of the word. It doesnt matter ifyou are a consumer, a producer or a porn actor...sooner or later the blackness will find you and consume you.the following photo is a box full of all my 'contacts' (emails, phone numbers, website addresses... etc.)and about 300 cds worth of adult content amounting to over500,000 images and countless video files.. http://smutmut.com/ps1.jpg

Pornography addiction is a whole body illness.

I was recently arrrested for exposing myself

I'm a 44 y/o male--only recently FORCED by the Lord to deal with LONG- STANDING sexual issues--to be completely open w/you, I was recently arrrested for exposing myself to teen girls--just today before a judge I pleaded guilty to 20 felony charges and 9 misdmnr. charges....I've really been a mess for years--in talking w/ a counselor, I've admitted to having this desire since I was about 8-12 years old and actually did perform this act during those years---oh how I wish I was caught THEN and gotten help as a child...I plead guilty cause I didn't want to fight it anymore--I wanted ownership and responsibility--I DO face the possibility of prison--that's up to the judge and God's Mercy--first time (caught) offense--very thankful to God for stoppong the bleeding--I mean, WHERE does THAT come from at such an early age???--Also, I'm very scared about the prison part--I've looked up prison rape on the net and I fit every description of one that gets attacked ...Next, my wife is divorcing over this--ironically, we're getting along better than ever through this as God--as she descibes, has removed a barrier in me. We have expressed love for each other like never b-4,---she just can't deal w/ the stigma right now---we also have a son --13 y/o who has Obsessive Compulsive Dis.--He's not doing well w/ it through this either--however, he never wanted much to do w/ the Gospel b-4, but now has been FAR more open than ever before. Please pray that God will continue to turn what was meant for evil and turn it in to Glory for Him---I see His gand moving in marvelous ways already, please also pray for my wif's peace and security--she's obviously very nervous about finances through this too, and please pray God's mercy on me through the judge and MOSTLY, for Him to continue to purify my heart!!!