the only time i had control of my life was when i was abusing my wife

i was introduced to porn as a young boy. i was raised in a strict religious home..sex was not discussed. i never saw my parents touch each other...hug or kiss...though i knew they loved each other. i spent weeks during the summer at different cousin's houses. that is when i was introduced to the magazines...pics of naked women. this caused me to be more inquistive. as a young boy of around 12 years of age...i was molested by a friend of the family that once lived with us. this continued for several years until the age of 18. he also had porn available for me to use while he was molesting me. in using porn while this man was molesting me...it helped me to know i wasn't gay like he tried to make me believe. i could still be turned on by looking at women. being inquistive...i had a problem with voyeurism. i never liked the contact...just looking was a turn on. i met my wife at the age of 19 & i could not tell her of my past b/c of shame issues. i felt she would make me more ashamed. my parents was privy to my voyeurism but they did not know what the friend of the family was doing to me. i kept it a secret until after we had been married a little over 2 years. up until then, i told my wife lies about my childhood & that i had been with many women. she was, in deed, the first. when our daughter was about a year old, i told my wife about the friend of the family. she had become friends with him also. she made me tell my parents. needless to say, everyone was devastated. my shame grew. my wife confronted him when i couldn't. he told me that my wife would never be enough for me. all my lies turned me into a violent person...something i had never been. if my life was discussed..it made me angry. i didn't want to face all the hurt. what triggered the confession to my wife was when the friend of the family tried to make me do that with him again. i refused...it made him angry. i told my wife so that she would protect me. my wife is a fighter. i became distant with my wife...i felt i wasn't worth anything. i had failed her. i felt i couldn't be intimate. i became verbally abusive....tellin my wife she was ugly, fat, & other people looked better than her...physically & emotionally abusive . all of this made me feel insignificant & i had to make myself feel better....not realizing the damage i was doing to my wife. i was neglecting my wife which led her to having multiple affairs. each time she would have an affair...she would confess it...all i could do was pat her on the head or back..telling her that it was okay & don't do it again. my way of not dealing. there was no fight in me. no reason to stand up & fight for what was mine. after several years...i began looking at porn on the internet. i didn't have to go lookin for women...they readily available via the net. each one looked at me without judging me. they were tellin me that i was "the man". they fed my ego. my wife started leaving the house to stay with her best friend to give me time alone. all this time was spent surfing the net for porn. i didn't like the hardcore porn...i liked the sites where the woman was partially clothed. after a time, i got into the dating websites to meet women for sex. i met a couple of women that was interested in me & went to meet them. all this time...my wife was being forced out of our home...by me...in order to satisfy my addiction. she was seeing a couple of guys that was paying her attention. she became sexually active with them. my wife asked me didn't i know what we were doing was wrong & didn't i want to stop...my answer was "NO". i enjoyed it & i wanted to keep doing it. she had always wanted me to fly her to california & i always refused. never seemed to have enough money. one of these women i met online lived in michigan...telling my wife i would NEVER fly...i flew to meet her for a weekend. this woman fed my porn addiction by talking dirty to me. she sent me a half naked picture of herself when i returned home. after returning home, my wife told me she wanted to work things out & stop doing what we were doing & it infuriated me. she has toted bruises, a dislocated jaw, repeated slaps to the face...not to mention the humiliation she has suffered. i have been verbally abusive...callin her names...not to be mentioned here...i was emotionally abusive. it was like a crazy cycle. i would leave home to get away from her when she wanted to talk. i didn't want to face the monster i had become. i made her feel like she was the monster. after returning from michigan...i still had to have contact with this woman either phone or internet. my wife had threatened suicide while i was on the phone with this woman & i wouldn't get off the phone to take care of my wife. i had "feelings" for this woman..thought it was love. i thought she was everything that my wife wasn't..caring, lettin me be me, loving, not controlling...in reality she was controlling me from the time i met her. she was tellin me that i didn't love my wife & that my wife didn't love me. this odd relationship resembled the control the friend of the family had over me. i didn't want to face the fact that the woman from michigan was doing the same thing to me. the only time i have ever had control of my life was when i was abusing my wife. my wife had to be the way i wanted her to be or it angered me. i wasn't willing to give of myself to my wife but i found it easy to give to the woman in michigan. i refused to see a counselor...thinkin i had it all together...my wife was the one with the problem. after a while i didn't want to talk to this woman...she kept calling. i wouldn't answer her calls. the reality of what i was doing was becoming apparent. eventually we went to a marriage counselor, then to our son's pastor...he helped me face me & what i was doing. i, now know what i did was wrong...how i treated my wife was a sin. i've learned that women aren't sexual objects. my wife is to be loved, respected, cherished...she is truly captivating. i realize that she is my soulmate. she loved me thru all my issues. i can now face my past & be the husband that God intended. i am comfortable with my sexuality. i've realized that satan will use yur past & yur patterns to cause u to turn away from the truth. he will cloud yur mind using whatever means necessary. my wife & i are now communicating for the first time in our 29 years of marriage. it feels good to be able to tell her my innermost thoughts & fears & know that she is not judging me. i have forgiven myself...my wife has forgiven me as i have forgiven her. i love my wife more than i ever have before. it is the way God intended a husband to love his wife. i respect her, cherish her, adore her & will do everything in my power to protect her. i have become the fighter. i understand the consequences of my sins. one of the consequences is that my wife lost her hair in the ordeal due to the stress. it is growing back but i will forever reminded of what i did to her. as for the internet...it doesn't hold the same desires. at this time...i have a fear of the internet. i exercise caution. please be gentle with your comments...LOL. thanx for reading.