The father had offered his mentally retarded daughter for sex

Let me tell you briefly about my past history and who I am. I am the youngest of three children, who were PK’s (preacher’s kids). I grew up knowing God and the difference between right from wrong. During my high school years I stayed out of trouble for the most part, but dabbled in a few things I shouldn’t have with a very close friend of mine. However, after high school I cleaned up my act and went to school to be a minister. I got married at a young age and was way too young to be a husband. I was very self indulged. After only seven years of marriage my wife left me. This was devastating. Everything I had ever worked for was about to be taken from me. To be a minister in the Baptist denomination you cannot be divorced.

However, God had a better plan. After a period of grieving for the loss of that marriage God called me to a church in Indiana to be youth minister and song director.That was when I met my second wife; it was love at first sight. We had known each other for years but had lost contact with one another. We married after only two months of dating, and a year and a half later we had a beautiful baby girl. She was the pride of our lives. My life was good, good things were happening and we were very much in love.

It was sometime after we bought our house that things started weighing on our marriage and became very stressful for us. We did not have the finances we really needed for the bills we had accumulated. It wasn’t too long until I got a part time job and then ended up leaving the church job that I had been working at for five years. I started working full time in the secular field with mentally ill adults. Because of this decision my wife had to go back to work and I believe that caused some resentment towards me from her (that is only my opinion). I now know I should had done many things differently.

That last year I started feeling sorry for myself over some things that are now insignificant, but at the time were discouraging to me. I felt like my wife was rejecting me, our lines of communication kept falling down to where we didn’t speak much to each other.
It would be easy for me to blame all of this on my wife, that’s what most of us do, we blame our own weaknesses and fears of self worth on others and mainly the people we love most when truly only we can control how we feel about ourselves.

I forget exactly how everything began, but I feel that it started one lonely night while my wife was asleep in bed. I got on the internet out of boredom and started surfing the net hoping to spend a short time browsing before becoming sleepy. I had no intentions of looking for sites I as a Christian should not be looking at. If you know anything about the internet it does not take a lot of work for inappropriate web sites to appear. Next thing I knew, I had spent three hours or more surfing through pornographic web sites. I was hooked. Night after night I would spend hours browsing these sights. If I had free time during the day, my computer was up and running searching for more and more porn. I never knew you could find this much free porn on the internet, but the fact is it is full of free websites waiting to take you in.

Then I discovered the world of Chat. This became more addicting to me, because now pornography was only a chat member away. I had several people sending me pornography of all sorts, things I had never seen before, things I am now ashamed to say I have even seen. The fact about pornography is that it gradually worsens, it sucks you in.

I remember the saying growing up that says, sin will take you further than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay. How true that had become in my life. You see, one of the men I was chatting with was a pedophile. I didn’t know this. He who took a plane ride to Florida where he was to hook up with a father of a mentally retarded girl. The father had offered his daughter to the man for sex. Little did he know that the father was an undercover policeman who arrested him on the spot. This man was desperate because he was now looking at jail time. So, in order to try and get himself out of trouble he gave names of other people they should investigate and I was one of those people. He had lied and told them I had offered my daughter to him for sex and that in the near future we were going to make arrangements to meet.

That’s where the vice cops and FBI agents come into play. I had worked a late night at my job and had just laid down when I got a knock at the door. It was the police. They came in to interview me and set up a tape recorder. My heart was pounding and my chest was tight. What did they want with me? They began to unravel the events that had led them to me and the reason we were meeting. Come to find out this man lived just down the road from us and knew where we lived, not to mention he knew all our names. I had never been so frightened in all my days. I explained to them that none of what he suggested was true and gave them permission to diagnosis my computer to look for child pornography.

The police had every intension of arresting me that day, believing what this man had said was true. The FBI agent installed a program on my computer that would search for all images on my computer. To make a long story short, there was no child pornography on my computer. We chatted a little more about this man, they advised me they had not said anything to my wife and as far as they could see there would be no more need to look into this matter.

This is where I made the worst decision of my life. I should have gone to my wife and confessed all that had happened and all the things that I was into online, but I didn’t. I had never had so much fear in my life and for a week I could not sleep. I kept looking out the windows, all along wanting so much to tell my wife what had happen. However, the police advised me that there was no need to bring her into this and that I should seek some help for the pornography. The truth was, they had already gone to my wife before ever meeting with me and because of the deceitfulness of my action she became scared and didn’t know what she should do. Her first thought was to protect our daughter. I imagine she had no other choice but to believe this could be true. I was acting strangely and didn’t tell her anything about what had happened. That week she filed for divorce unbeknown to me. The following week the police returned to my home with search warrants on my house and place of employment.

I remember sitting on the front lawn as the neighbors watched them take my computer and computer equipment, police cars all over. It looked like a scene from a movie. Next they told me they were on their way to my office and were going to do a search there. My heart dropped and as they left my house and went to my office I barely remember the steps I took. I remember grabbing a bottle of pills and calling my Pastor. He took me to see a lawyer who tried to calm me down and could see my plan for suicide. I ended up at the hospital and all I could say was “I want to die” over and over again. Suicide was now the one constant thing on my mind, my life was now over. Even though I knew I was not involved in offering my daughter for sex the police were letting everyone think that and on top of that I had so much guilt for the other things I had been involved in, all I wanted to do was die. Pornography led me to many risky things; although not illegal they were very immoral. How was I going to face anyone ever again? How was I going to face my wife?

The truth is I fell into sin and I got in way over my head. I betrayed my wife, my boss, my friends, my family members and I especially betrayed God. I remember during times of my sins, pushing God out. I would feel His power of conviction fall over me and I would tell Him no! I was going to do what I wanted. That is one of the hardest things I am dealing with today. You see, the nature of my sin is really unimportant at this moment, in God’s eyes sin is sin. It is the selfishness I had of only caring for myself that is tragic. I never thought I would so purposely push God away and tell Him to leave me alone so I could indulge in my sin.

You see, I have only shared with you the sins I have chosen to share with you. Yet, with God there is no sin I can hide from him, He knows all that I have done, where I have been. Now, I have had to come to terms with an addiction to pornography and sex realizing that I am powerless over it. I need Christ to be strong in my life if I am to overcome this. I in no way feel I deserve forgiveness. In fact, it is very hard to accept.

Never in my life have I felt so unwanted, so undesirable, so unnecessary.

My husband died two years ago at the age of 33. Before his death (and even now to some degree) we had a secret. He was addicted to pornography. I didn't know this prior to our marriage, but once I discovered it, I was devastated.

Perhaps I just want someone to hear what I've been through. So many people say "It's just a magazine" or "It's just a couple of videos." My husband would even say "Well they're just on paper." It was and is more than that.

There is something implied in a husband's use of pornography that his wife is not satisfying to him. Logically it would seem that if he were satisfied with her he wouldn't need the other. Never in my life have I felt so unwanted, so undesirable, so unnecessary. In my mind he was cheating on me - perhaps he couldn't touch those girls physically, but they occupied his mind, called his name and captivated him in a way that I couldn't.

If I were hard to look at or frigid I might be willing to give him a little slack, but I'm neither. I loved sex, I loved sharing it with my husband until his addiction was such that I wasn't enough - not adventurous enough (grossly adventurous was what he wanted), not perfect enough, not enough of anything and it hurt.

My purpose in sharing this is not to whine, but to raise awareness. His battle created a huge battle for me - it shook my self esteem and everything about me as a woman to the core. The one place (besides my Heavenly Father) that I was supposed to be safe, desired, I wasn't. My husband preferred masturbating to magazines and videos to sex with me. That hurts. While I know that I shouldn't take it personally, he had an addiction, it still hurts. There is nothing more humiliating, devastating and demeaning than to know that the love of your life doesn't want you the way he is supposed to want you.

If you are struggling with an addiction or even just dabbling in pornography, may I encourage you with this - your actions do affect others - no one behaves in a vacuum and what may seem like a "secret sin" or harmless, really isn't. During the times when you struggle the most perhaps it will help to know that by leaving pornography behind, you are choosing to live wholly, a full life. The deceit that goes along with addictions will eat at you until you feel that every part of you is coming apart - you are worth more than that. Your life is worth more than that. Your family and those that depend on you are worth more than that.

He stares at women in public and rubs himself on me

I have been with the same man on and off for 5 years.. We started to get married a few times but I just couldn't do it because he has problems with lust and he loves it more than me. I know he looks at porn, { pics and movies } because I have found books, vhs tapes and the crap on the computers. We have fought about it numerous times.. His problem with lust is so bad that he can't even watch a regular movie with the people fully dressed without going into fantasy land. His touching himself so much during movies has taken the enjoyment out of watching movies or even regular tv from me and then he has the nerve to get upset at me for not wanting to watch movies with him. I hate to go out in public with him for fear of how he will hurt me next. I've seen him staring at women when we are together and he used to pull me close to him and rub himself on me when he would get excited at looking at them until I realized what was happening and stopped it. When we do go out together, most of the times I keep my eyes on the ground now so I wont have to see who he wished I was. I can only wonder how many times he had sex with me while he was on me..... Just a little over 2 weeks ago was the last time I found porn on his laptop { also the last time I looked }. I told him that we were over and he for the first time confessed to me that he was a sex addict. He has not went into detail about it but I truly believe that besides the porn, fantasy, and masturbation, I also believe in my heart that he has had sex with other people sence we have been together. I don't know if he admitted having problems because he loves me enough to want to make us work or if he only told me that because he has no where to go. He has no family or friends to turn to and no money to get his own place. He is in his 30's but he is not a responsible person and can't make it on his own. He thinks money is only for the enjoyable things in life. He lived on his own for a short time and was not good at keeping the bills paid or makin sure he had enough food. He got a roommate and he still couldn't keep up with the bills. I loved him and wanted to marry him and had hope that he would change so I asked him to move in with me. He did not change and we did not get married. I believe he does love me some, but just how much I honestly don't know. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone very much anyway. But I am getting ok with that now because I don't love him as I once did. Too much pain cuts love way down. Although I do still love him just not as I used to. He was married before and has a child and lost them because of his problems. He hasn't seen his child in years or hasn't even talked on the phone. It is a great fear of mine that if he doesn't help himself that he will end up molesting his child when they do reunite. I know that he lusts after early teens. I fear he lusts after children even younger, although I have no proof of that... He says he is trying to change. He has done some research and some posting. He has admited to me that he is a sex addict.. Those things are more than he's ever done but I am still afraid to believe in him because of so many lies..