I'm feeling lost and unwanted because we have no sex life

I was exposed to porn at a young age, I found my father's stash and I liked it. Most of the men I got involved with also enjoyed porn. I didn't start to feel betrayed by my partners viewing porn until about 5 years ago. Since then porn has lost it's luster for me but I've tried to be patient and understand with my partners for their use of it, because I understand the no expections relief it offers them. It thrills me that my husband has made the choice to try to kick the habbit himself. I try to be supportive and nonjudgemental when we talk about the issue, but I know he hides his usage of it from me because he admits that he still looks at it a couple of times a week. We have good communication skills, so I feel guilty coming here and asking for prayer, but I'm feeling lost and unwanted because we have no sex life. I understand his issues and there are several other factors besides the porn (bi-polar being a huge part of it too). I know he's hurting but he doesn't even want me touching him and this kills me because I'm a very touch oriented person. I've gotten to the point where I don't even try to kiss, cuddle, or initiate sexual relations with him because I'm afraid of being shrugged off. He isn't being ugly with me when he does it and he knows how I feel cause we have talked about it, but he is unable to overcome these issues that prevent him being intimate and I am finding it hard to keep a positive attitude and feel that I am starting to slip into depression again.

If I want to get turned on I just go to church for my fix

Hi,I am new to the forum, and I have recently been taking on the battle to stop looking at porn, and masturbating. One of the toughest areas I am also battling besides what is in my mind, is what I also see on a daily basis.

What I say from here may sound kind of strange, but please try to understand this situation. This is just a manifistation from the porn I have looked at and now I have to find a way to stop.

The problem is that I am extremely turned on for women who look very nice or well dressed - wearing black leather high heel stiletto pumps or knee high heel dress boots - no matter what she may be wearing with them - pencil skirts, jeans, dress pants - doesn't matter - if they are in high heels or boots, I am totally attracted to that as I find it very feminine and classy, but also very sexual. I just know in my mind that many women don't wear them, and so when I see a woman that does, I somehow equate them sexually into my mind.

My wife likes wearing her 3-4" stiletto black pumps for me often or if I ask her, but the sad part is that I don't really pay attention to her if she is wearing them. I am more consumed if it is another woman wearing them or for the pumps or boots themselves. If there is a period of time that I am not with my wife sexually, I have these strong desires which I follow through often to mastrubate onto and in her high heel pumps which I learned from reading and looking at so much porn doing this very act. I am consumed for an object that I can't see how to detach myself from it. At one point, I was so mad about the situation and couldn't stop, I have taken some of my wife's very expensive high heels and boots (i am talking $200+ or more each) and just thrown them in the trash because I felt my attraction to them was too strong. I thought I was taking a good stand, but that wasn't addressing the root of the problem - which I am still trying to figure out - why am I so attracted to women dressed like and wearing high heels? why? I can't figure it out. All I have ever heard is "whatever floats your boat", and "it's okay to be attractive to things".

The problem comes into play every week - God says I can have an escape when tempations arrives, but what do I do when I goto church, and these young college girls and women are all decked up at church, and I see them dressed like this, wearing the knee length skirts, wearing their high heels, seeing their legs - which just totally interrupts my mind, my prayers, my thinking, everything. What do I do when I see them with their legs crossed, bouncing their legs, flexing their feet in the high heels or rolling their ankels in their heels or boots? I have no escape it feels like. I goto church hoping to have a renewal and refreshing with God, but then find myself lusting in church more than I would if I were out of it. Do you know how stupid it is for me to know that if I want to get turned on - just goto church for my fix? It is driving me crazy in my mind this constant battle. Then all I think about is that woman wearing what I saw, and if my wife was to wear the same thing, I don't know if I would really care.

So really, what can I do here? I try to take my thoughts captive, but it seems like I always fail. The only way I can equate this is to a person who is a former alcoholic , but still has to goto the store and may have to pass the beer aisle. How do I get to the point that I don't feel this way about what I see and follow through acting out through masturbation?

I need prayer in this area of my life. I don't want to stand before God having to answer to this and why I never overcame it through His Strength. One of the biggest things that bothers me is that in Galatians 5:19-21, that people who engage in sexual immorality, perversion, and the likes, as a warning, that those who live like this, will not inherit the kingdom of God. When I read that, i feel sick. I am a Christian, and I know God has Mercy for us, but there is also Judgement. I don't want to give a false sense of security by saying, "God created me. He will understand why I had to do this and why I liked this. Jesus has covered my sin - I am not perfect". All this is just Lust in my heart, mind and flesh for perverted things, and I need it ripped out. I don't want to be sent to Hell for Porn and a stupid high heel fetish. I need some insight and some key things I can do to start looking at women differently, detaching myself from how a woman looks and wears, and making my heart, mind, flesh pure to God.

Then the other part that bothers me is that if there is a message about Jesus, it is His Love. I can only imagine being asked, "How did you love your wife while on earth?" My response, "I just lusted for her - I never knew love". If God is Love, and we know and practice Love, then we know God. I guess I don't, and that has to change.

Serious replies appreciated. Thanks.