I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain

Hi,I'm addicted to porn and masturbation.I'm 31 now, and it seemed to ruin my life since childhood. I've been trying to fight it ever since.I was molested by relatives, and once by a stranger in a mall, when I was a kid. My dad was a hard worker that didn't support anything that I've ever done. He never had a good word to say and always compared me to other kids, and still does even to this day. So I had nowhere to go, even when I was molested. I retreated into fantasy and compulsive masturbation, and I didn't even know what it was. I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain.

The longest I've gone without porn and masturbation is a week. I used to say that if I didn't orgasm it didn't count. Boy, how deluded was my thinking!All of my experiences made me anorexic and manic depressive. I used porn and masturbation as a drug, but also to fantasize that someone loved me. The sick thing is that sometimes I fantasized about being abused. I don't really know why. I think maybe I wanted to reinforce the idea that I was a failure and unlovable. I thought that being molested ended any kind of normal life for me and my life was scarred forever.

Meanwhile, I re-live every sex scene

I am a 51 yr old liberal mom. I had my first and most devastating experience with a man addicted to porn. Why was it devestating? Emotionally they are not there with you. They are fantasizing, acting out or generally wanting you to engage in nasty sex. I did it to obtain his love. Big mistake. You will never reach guys who watch porn. They will always lust after others. That's a fact. I am trying to put together a program for our youth (I have 2 teenage sons). The final straw for me was my BF loudly announcing while camping that my p**** stinks. That was to excite him because he never wanted me to wash. Then he preceeded to tell me how very much he wanted to F*** a black girl that he became enamored with at that campout. Out of the otherside of his mouth he says, "I love you. Why won't you accept that? Long story short, I said I can't do this anymore. Three weeks to the day he had a new girlfriend. No pain. No in your heart lost love. Move on and move on quickly. Meanwhile, I relive every sex scene, the things said and done in the name of love. I wrote a dairy about the sex scenes, which my daughter found and read and became violently rageful on how I could let this happen to me. She said to me, mom what are you doing about what you've read about the effects of porn? If you want to make a difference, tell your story. Tell about the false intimacy. Tell about the secret dark world you found yourself in. She said, the things I read in there was not my mom. But it was. I participated in every sigle nasty sex scene to win his love....didn't work did it. He has no shame...it is what he loves. But, as Dr. Phil says, every person in those films is somebody's daughter or son. The thought of one of my sons being a porn star and f***ing women for other's pleasure and going home to his wife and kids inspires me to get involved in this crusade. Incest is big theme in porn. If my son has sex with his GF and calls her "mommie", I would be very offended. Why would he want to F*** his mother? We must speak up. We must refuse to continue or participate in relationships with men who watch porn. I wouldn't think of dating a cocaine addict. Why would I think porn is any different? It's not. A sex drug that kills the mind of love and intimacy.

I am having a hard time being intimate with a real person

...I have sucked so bad at relationships in the past, that my wife feels as if I don't desire her. I want her to so badly believe that my only desire in regards to sex is for her and no one or nothing else. I think part of this stems from the fact that I have been involved with porn & masturbation for so long, I am having a hard time being intimate with a real person, instead of being intimate with objects on a television screen. I don't know what to do sometimes, I just feel like I am struggling uphill with no summit in sight...