I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain

Hi,I'm addicted to porn and masturbation.I'm 31 now, and it seemed to ruin my life since childhood. I've been trying to fight it ever since.I was molested by relatives, and once by a stranger in a mall, when I was a kid. My dad was a hard worker that didn't support anything that I've ever done. He never had a good word to say and always compared me to other kids, and still does even to this day. So I had nowhere to go, even when I was molested. I retreated into fantasy and compulsive masturbation, and I didn't even know what it was. I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain.

The longest I've gone without porn and masturbation is a week. I used to say that if I didn't orgasm it didn't count. Boy, how deluded was my thinking!All of my experiences made me anorexic and manic depressive. I used porn and masturbation as a drug, but also to fantasize that someone loved me. The sick thing is that sometimes I fantasized about being abused. I don't really know why. I think maybe I wanted to reinforce the idea that I was a failure and unlovable. I thought that being molested ended any kind of normal life for me and my life was scarred forever.