I witnessed my brother viewing pornography on the computer. My brother was 15 and I was 11. I was somewhat curious about what I saw on that computer screen. I saw my brother masturbating, so I thought I would try it. I fell in love with self-stimulation! After that, I began to view pornography every-so-often. It was "my secret little thing". I did not want anyone knowing about this, especially since my father was a pastor. I always had a feeling what I was doing was wrong, but I never really cared because "My life was perfect". This "secret thing" turned into an addiction within about six months.
Within about a year, I had a massive collection of pornography, over 300 images and 100 videos. I kept diving deeper into the world of sexual impurity and right after my 12th birthday I had my first of *many* same sex experiences. Why did this happen? Because I would do anything that would "satisfy" my sexual urges, even including sexual acts with a male. I had oral sex with a very close [male] friend. After it all happened, I felt even worse.
My pornography usage doubled and tripled. I was viewing porn 3-4 times a day. I would miss hanging out with friends just to watch a porn video. I kept relying on it to satisfy me, but it never did. I would masturbate and say to myself "that wasn't worth it", but in my mind I had to keep going. I started taking a "fondness" to males. I become so attracted to men, that I started having cyber sex with older men. When I say cyber-sex, I mean like webcams and everything.
I started wanting to experience gay sex, so I thought of a plan. I basically started a homosexual relationship with my older brother. My brother never really wanted to perform any "gay" acts, but I had the power of temptation on my side. Whenever I wanted sexual satisfaction, I would tempt him into performing random sexual favors for me. Did it stop at oral sex? Not at all! I preformed incest. All those happenings with my brother eventually sent me into a LARGE depression. In my mind, I had nothing to live for. My day consisted of school, eating, masturbating and watching porn.
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If your brother was that much older than you --then YOU were the one being abused. Thats is one of their greatest tricks--deflecting blame on to the other party--masters of manipultaion. An 11 year old boy has no where near the sexual prowess/experience of a fifteen yo--nor the powers of manipulation. Free yourself of these beliefs which will imprison you. Jesus Christ will help you if you ask. If not find some other way to adress and release those feelings. Thoughts can only harm you if they exist. Only you have the abiity to control your thoughts. Love yourself first and move forward-enjoy the rest of your life-I will pray for you. I'm not a Jesus freak or anything, but he has become my guide and saviour and connected me with Almighty GOD. GOD is accessible to all of us in many ways. He is inside everybody and what that means is He can only be found when we look deep within ourselves. Lengthy, quiet introspection--turn off your conscience mind-that endless 'voice' inside your head thats always observing, storing, analyzing, opining, and judging everything in the physical or material world. That endless chatter is an obstacle to hearing the real answers to life from a higher plane, of the spiritual not material world. I spend as much time as I can alone in nature--the only place where I truly find peace. good luck brether--I hope I didn't get to spiritual for you.
Having this kind of feelings could never be easy. Loving a man more than its boundary is sometimes an act of fooling thyselves. Defeating temptation that originally rooted from deep within will be very much irresistible. Each day temptation comes in which we found no reason to resist and found no where to run when we tend to escaped. We sometimes closed our eyes enable not to see the damage we have done to ourselves due to the pleasure we are experiencing everytime we do such acts. We hear but we dont listen. We feel but never touched. But the hidden secret in winning the battle of life's challenges and tempation lyies within us. No man can help us even the person who molds us. Its me, its you who can help our own selves. God is our shepherd and He'll always give right direction and makes everything clear.
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