My husband died two years ago at the age of 33. Before his death (and even now to some degree) we had a secret. He was addicted to pornography. I didn't know this prior to our marriage, but once I discovered it, I was devastated.
Perhaps I just want someone to hear what I've been through. So many people say "It's just a magazine" or "It's just a couple of videos." My husband would even say "Well they're just on paper." It was and is more than that.
There is something implied in a husband's use of pornography that his wife is not satisfying to him. Logically it would seem that if he were satisfied with her he wouldn't need the other. Never in my life have I felt so unwanted, so undesirable, so unnecessary. In my mind he was cheating on me - perhaps he couldn't touch those girls physically, but they occupied his mind, called his name and captivated him in a way that I couldn't.
If I were hard to look at or frigid I might be willing to give him a little slack, but I'm neither. I loved sex, I loved sharing it with my husband until his addiction was such that I wasn't enough - not adventurous enough (grossly adventurous was what he wanted), not perfect enough, not enough of anything and it hurt.
My purpose in sharing this is not to whine, but to raise awareness. His battle created a huge battle for me - it shook my self esteem and everything about me as a woman to the core. The one place (besides my Heavenly Father) that I was supposed to be safe, desired, I wasn't. My husband preferred masturbating to magazines and videos to sex with me. That hurts. While I know that I shouldn't take it personally, he had an addiction, it still hurts. There is nothing more humiliating, devastating and demeaning than to know that the love of your life doesn't want you the way he is supposed to want you.
If you are struggling with an addiction or even just dabbling in pornography, may I encourage you with this - your actions do affect others - no one behaves in a vacuum and what may seem like a "secret sin" or harmless, really isn't. During the times when you struggle the most perhaps it will help to know that by leaving pornography behind, you are choosing to live wholly, a full life. The deceit that goes along with addictions will eat at you until you feel that every part of you is coming apart - you are worth more than that. Your life is worth more than that. Your family and those that depend on you are worth more than that.
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4 comments:
thanks for this. i didn't want to read this, but i needed it.
Thank-you for posting this. I was in a 20 year marriage to a man who was addicted to pornography. I was attractive and we enjoyed a wonderful sex life;but it wasn't enough for him. It progressively got worse,my self esteem eroded,he started having affairs and in the end it destroyed our beautiful family. The breakup of our "happy" (our children had no idea) family messed up the minds of our children. Our then 16 year old daughter ran off and married a guy just after turning 18 -she missed her dad being around-and is now divorced from an abusive man, and has 4 babies.
What may seem like a minor problem at first can escalate and destroy a lot of people and their lives. I know it did mine, as well as the lives of my children.
Hi-
I certainly understand why you felt the way you felt - my wife inteimated the same feelings to me when she busted me while I was on porn. But what you have to understand is that we addicts view porn differently than we do our wives - or at least we do at one point. I supposed if an addict goes for enough into his addiction, it will change the way he thinks about everything - including his sex life with his wife and if he views her as desirable. But for me, I loved having sex with my wife (and still do) and my porn addiction had nothing to do with her and was compartmentalized in a another area of my life. I donn't have a "rush" with my wife when I have sex with her, I feel a deep. close intimacy with her when we make love or really, even when we are just laying together. With porn, it's a rush - an excitement - something that I can do and then just put down and walk away... or so I thought. I soon realized that the porn I was doing wasn't enough and I needed more perverted porn to keep that rush going. That's when I realized I was addicted and that it had the possibility to take over my life. I then began what's tuened into a 3-plus year journey to rip myself away from it. ANd it's been a slow process, but I have been successful and am almost - with a few failures here and there - totally clean. But through all of that, I never lost interest in my sex life with my wife - and I never compared her to what I was seeing online because I knew what was online was fake and made up and was intended to suck people like into their sites.
Now that's not to invalidate your feelings or even say that my experiences are true for everyone else. I am just telling you what I told my wife: that I loved her and cherished her and that I wasnot looking at pics online to replace her because she wasn't good enough. She needed to hear that and know it was true - and I still remind her of that from time to time - although, since I am pretty much clean these days, I don't have to tell her that anymore.
About two years ago my husband was in Iraq. We had a beautiful baby girl while he was gone. About a year ago I found that he had signed up with dating services. Then I found the porn on the computer once he was home. He had actually been on websites trying to meet other women claiming to be single. He never wants to have sex with me claiming I make it seem like its a chore. I'vd searched on the computer to find evidence of infidelity but found nothing. Hes always home when hes supposed to be or so I thought. Come to find out, he had an email account I was not aware of. You wouldnt believe what I found. He had been going to see a 55 year old 250 lb women who claimed to give erotic massages. My husband is 31. I'm 29. She weighs more than twice what I weigh. He has seen her four times so far. He hasnt had sex with her to my knowledge but admitted to engaging in sexual acts with her and paid $80 per hour. He claims to love me and seems very apologetic. Im lost. When we do have sex he often loses his erection. Please help me. I dont want to leave but I'm running out of options.
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