Thursday, September 28, 2006
the only time i had control of my life was when i was abusing my wife
i was introduced to porn as a young boy. i was raised in a strict religious home..sex was not discussed. i never saw my parents touch each other...hug or kiss...though i knew they loved each other. i spent weeks during the summer at different cousin's houses. that is when i was introduced to the magazines...pics of naked women. this caused me to be more inquistive. as a young boy of around 12 years of age...i was molested by a friend of the family that once lived with us. this continued for several years until the age of 18. he also had porn available for me to use while he was molesting me. in using porn while this man was molesting me...it helped me to know i wasn't gay like he tried to make me believe. i could still be turned on by looking at women. being inquistive...i had a problem with voyeurism. i never liked the contact...just looking was a turn on. i met my wife at the age of 19 & i could not tell her of my past b/c of shame issues. i felt she would make me more ashamed. my parents was privy to my voyeurism but they did not know what the friend of the family was doing to me. i kept it a secret until after we had been married a little over 2 years. up until then, i told my wife lies about my childhood & that i had been with many women. she was, in deed, the first. when our daughter was about a year old, i told my wife about the friend of the family. she had become friends with him also. she made me tell my parents. needless to say, everyone was devastated. my shame grew. my wife confronted him when i couldn't. he told me that my wife would never be enough for me. all my lies turned me into a violent person...something i had never been. if my life was discussed..it made me angry. i didn't want to face all the hurt. what triggered the confession to my wife was when the friend of the family tried to make me do that with him again. i refused...it made him angry. i told my wife so that she would protect me. my wife is a fighter. i became distant with my wife...i felt i wasn't worth anything. i had failed her. i felt i couldn't be intimate. i became verbally abusive....tellin my wife she was ugly, fat, & other people looked better than her...physically & emotionally abusive . all of this made me feel insignificant & i had to make myself feel better....not realizing the damage i was doing to my wife. i was neglecting my wife which led her to having multiple affairs. each time she would have an affair...she would confess it...all i could do was pat her on the head or back..telling her that it was okay & don't do it again. my way of not dealing. there was no fight in me. no reason to stand up & fight for what was mine. after several years...i began looking at porn on the internet. i didn't have to go lookin for women...they readily available via the net. each one looked at me without judging me. they were tellin me that i was "the man". they fed my ego. my wife started leaving the house to stay with her best friend to give me time alone. all this time was spent surfing the net for porn. i didn't like the hardcore porn...i liked the sites where the woman was partially clothed. after a time, i got into the dating websites to meet women for sex. i met a couple of women that was interested in me & went to meet them. all this time...my wife was being forced out of our home...by me...in order to satisfy my addiction. she was seeing a couple of guys that was paying her attention. she became sexually active with them. my wife asked me didn't i know what we were doing was wrong & didn't i want to stop...my answer was "NO". i enjoyed it & i wanted to keep doing it. she had always wanted me to fly her to california & i always refused. never seemed to have enough money. one of these women i met online lived in michigan...telling my wife i would NEVER fly...i flew to meet her for a weekend. this woman fed my porn addiction by talking dirty to me. she sent me a half naked picture of herself when i returned home. after returning home, my wife told me she wanted to work things out & stop doing what we were doing & it infuriated me. she has toted bruises, a dislocated jaw, repeated slaps to the face...not to mention the humiliation she has suffered. i have been verbally abusive...callin her names...not to be mentioned here...i was emotionally abusive. it was like a crazy cycle. i would leave home to get away from her when she wanted to talk. i didn't want to face the monster i had become. i made her feel like she was the monster. after returning from michigan...i still had to have contact with this woman either phone or internet. my wife had threatened suicide while i was on the phone with this woman & i wouldn't get off the phone to take care of my wife. i had "feelings" for this woman..thought it was love. i thought she was everything that my wife wasn't..caring, lettin me be me, loving, not controlling...in reality she was controlling me from the time i met her. she was tellin me that i didn't love my wife & that my wife didn't love me. this odd relationship resembled the control the friend of the family had over me. i didn't want to face the fact that the woman from michigan was doing the same thing to me. the only time i have ever had control of my life was when i was abusing my wife. my wife had to be the way i wanted her to be or it angered me. i wasn't willing to give of myself to my wife but i found it easy to give to the woman in michigan. i refused to see a counselor...thinkin i had it all together...my wife was the one with the problem. after a while i didn't want to talk to this woman...she kept calling. i wouldn't answer her calls. the reality of what i was doing was becoming apparent. eventually we went to a marriage counselor, then to our son's pastor...he helped me face me & what i was doing. i, now know what i did was wrong...how i treated my wife was a sin. i've learned that women aren't sexual objects. my wife is to be loved, respected, cherished...she is truly captivating. i realize that she is my soulmate. she loved me thru all my issues. i can now face my past & be the husband that God intended. i am comfortable with my sexuality. i've realized that satan will use yur past & yur patterns to cause u to turn away from the truth. he will cloud yur mind using whatever means necessary. my wife & i are now communicating for the first time in our 29 years of marriage. it feels good to be able to tell her my innermost thoughts & fears & know that she is not judging me. i have forgiven myself...my wife has forgiven me as i have forgiven her. i love my wife more than i ever have before. it is the way God intended a husband to love his wife. i respect her, cherish her, adore her & will do everything in my power to protect her. i have become the fighter. i understand the consequences of my sins. one of the consequences is that my wife lost her hair in the ordeal due to the stress. it is growing back but i will forever reminded of what i did to her. as for the internet...it doesn't hold the same desires. at this time...i have a fear of the internet. i exercise caution. please be gentle with your comments...LOL. thanx for reading.
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5 comments:
Thanks for having the courage to share your story. I pray it will be used to help others who may be in similar circumstances.
deep. i'm glad things are getting better for you now though, my friend.
http://islandphilosophy.blogspot.com/
It sounds like you are reliving the sexual abuse through your "addiction" to porn.
Perhaps you have subconscious or even conscious concerns about your sexuality. Being stimulated by images of naked women temporarily reinforces the fact that you are, indeed, straight.
This is a serious problem that may destroy your marriage and your relationship with your children.
Why don't you pluck up the courage and go and see a psychologist/psychiatrist for a few sessions?
You don't seem to be in denial about what happened to you as a teen, but it seems to me that you have taken most of the responsibility for the sexual abuse and put it on YOUR shoulders. That responsibility does NOT belong on the shoulders of a kid; it belongs on the shoulders of the manipulative pervert who repeatedly molested you.
In essence, you were "raped" repeatedly by this man. His fault NOT yours!
If you don't want to, or cannot afford to see a professional psychologist/psychiatrist, look in the phone book for the Rape Crisis Centre and give them a call. You could also call the Gay and Lesbian Community phone number; they have people who would help you even though you are straight. They are trained to help and you can remain anonymous. Call as often as you need. You can't "fix" yourself with one telephone call because the problem is too complex.
It is essential for you to get this problem cleared up early in your life. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be for you to move forward with your life. I counselled in a chat room where most of the guys who came to the site had been sexually molested. Some of the guys were in their 50s and their lives was still in a mess. They didn't know whether they were straight or gay!
Go and do something about it.
You may find that you are depressed! That is for your doctor to decide. A short course on an antidepressant and some talk therapy may be enough for you to move on with a more normal life.
The most difficult part about going into therapy is walking through the door and sitting down. 40% of all people who make an appointment with a shrink get cold feet and never show up for the first appointment. Getting some therapy will be the most courageous thing you do in your entire life!
You need to tell someone! And you will need to find someone that you can tell the same story over and over again until you are able detach all the emotions from the memories. Once you are able to do that, you will be able to file the memories in the back of your mind where they will be less troublesome. The memories will never go away, they will just have the emotional components stripped away.
I wish that I could chat with you in person. I think talking with some anonymous person would be of great help for you. I don't know how we could exchange Messenger (Yahoo or Windows IDs)without all of the nutcups in the world adding us to their contact list.
Is there some way that I can contact you privately through your website?
Pluck up the courage and tackle this problem head on!
Regards,
Rick - Canada
Dewde! I'm a woman that can relate to your side of the story; I know too well what it is to be manipulated into doing what you do not want to do! I was highly lustful as a kid and I guess people picked up on it but these people had no right using my lust as a weapon the way they did! my babysitter actually had me convinced I was a lesbian and by the time I was 18 I was in a relationship with her b4 I was ever with a man when that was all I was clearly attracted to all through high school. B4 that I was constantly fending off my brother's father-in-law since I was just a little kid; ew! being kissed full on the mouth by a drunk man in his 50s (I was probably 11) was the grossest experience of my life and terrifying; it was torture; this man almost had me convinced i wanted him; i clearly wanted sex but not with him so i started masturbating at home, late at night, alone, which had me going down another shame spiral! Ugh! Then I discovered my other brother's porn stash and to make a long story short I ended up being one of the most screwed up people on the planet; these horrible things emotionally retard you no matter how intelligent you are and no matter how above it you seem to be. All I can say is thank God for Jesus! It took me a long time but I finally surrendered to him in my 30s and i am delivered from these horrible things but I am still healing even after being celibate for 6 years! There's way more to my story; most of the shame led to me overeating and later still to heavy drug use but it's not important; Good luck Dewde and may God continue to bless you! I thank God for your courage b/c it afforded me the courage to get some relief in releasing here on this very comment. Thank you, again.
Cinnamon www.myspace.com/txcanela
i give you props for fighting so hard to where you have got with you life an i give your wifey props too!! many hugs
redfeather in ohio
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