I'm not sure how common my sex addiction story is. I thought I'd share it and see if anyone else can relate.
At the age of 5, I was raped by my oldest brother (13 at the time). It only happened once because I told my parents about it. I didn't remember it until I was 10. (I know I still had the memory of it, but it wasn't a conscious memory.)
When I was in junior high school, I was molested by my youth director's husband 2 or 3 times. When I told her about it, she confronted her husband. He, of course, denied doing it. About 10 years later, she came to me to apologize because she had found out he was molesting her youngest sister and had molested others as well.
From junior high on, I dealt with same-sex attraction and was involved with a girl when I was in high school. Our relationship was never more than kissing and heavy petting. My SSA has been pretty well defeated. With God's help, my counselor's help, and prayers by many friends, I have overcome that. Sometimes, I'll see a pretty woman and have some kind of SSA thought, but I'm able to tell Satan to bug off and it doesn't take over my thinking.As a senior in high school, I was date raped twice within a matter of days by the same guy. He was an older friend that I thought of as a brother. It took many years for me to be able to admitt that what happened was rape.
Off and one since junior I have dealt with thoughts of sexually abusing a younger child. I'm currently dealing with those same thoughts, only they are directed at my own children. I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED A CHILD INAPPROPRIATELY. My counselor is aware of this and were starting the process of dealing with these thoughts and feelings.
To make matters worse, someone reported these thoughts to CPS (Children's Protective Services) this past Saturday, so they are investigating it. Since I've not touch the kids and am doing things to not set myself up for a fall, we're all still home. I feel so betrayed and hurt. Someone I confided in has betrayed me.
It's been several years since I've looked at any porn (online or off). Again, I know it's been with God's help that I've not done so.
My husband is aware of what I'm dealing with and is being very supportive.Has anyone else dealt with similar thoughts? Please tell me I'm not the only one.
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No, you are not the only one. My mom was a victim of physical and sexual abuse, by her father and by her priest. My mom eventually shared with me what happened to her when I was in my mid 20's, but filtered out the gory details (thank goodness). I remember her telling me that one of her greatest fears was that when my brother and I were children, she would hurt me or my brother. She erected an emotional wall around herself and between us to prevent that from happening. Counseling and therapy were not that common or accepted in the late 60's and early 70's, so my mom suffered in silence. Needless to say, I grew up very distant and alienated from my mom.
Eventually, she did get the help she needed and after she shared what happened to her, I was better able to understand who my mom was and now is. When she told me, my heart broke. If only had known, it would have put alot of things into perspective.
You have shown so much courage by facing your past and getting help. One day, you may be able to share your past with your kids. Don't assume that you cannot share what happened to you or the resulting feelings you have struggled with. Knowing my mom's past has brought us closer together and given me a whole new level of respect and admiration for what she has overcome.
I am sorry that someone betrayed you. I know that is a wound like no other. Thankfully, your husband has stood by your side. Lean on each other. You have my heartfelt prayers for your recovery and pray that you will find comfort in your relationship with Jesus Christ.
This blog is not mine, but the blog owner read my story on another site. I gave him permission to post it here. I'm praying for God to be able to use this to help someone else.
Thank you so much for your comments. I've always wondered if I was alone in some of my feelings. Hearing your mother's story helps me to know I'm not alone, and that I'm doing the best thing for me and my family by going to counseling.
This is not my blog. The owner of this blog read my story on another site and asked my permission to post it here. I said he could.
Thank you for sharing your story. Knowing that others have dealt with these kinds of feelings has helped me. I'm glad your mother has been able to deal with her abuse.
Thanks again for your comments.
You need to realise that no your not the only. This happens to ppl all over the world every single day. I was raped by my uncle when i was 4 yrs old. I didn't remember any of it until i was 20. Its such a shock to realise theres a reason your thinking the things that your thinking. I have had some horrible thoughts and done some things I am not proud of and i think its a very good thing for ppl to finally talk about this get it out there, so others know there not the only ones.....
Ever since I remembered being raped at the age of 5, I've always known there were others who had been sexually abused. My biggest struggle right now is dealing with thoughts of abusing others, esp. my own children.
I know with counseling and God's help, I'll conquer that as well.
I was raped from age ten to thirteen by my uncle. After being raped I developed problems with my sexual organs such as my cervix. I began cutting myself to heel the pain. Iam still in the healing process and hopefully will be able to fight my diseases. Anyway, rape is a very sick thing and it needs to be stopped.
I was raped by my brother when I was eleven and just remembered this past year (I am thirty-one.). I remembered other incidences of abuse, but it is possible to shut out trauma that is too huge for your body to remember.
About the abusive thoughts, I first of all would like to commend you for not acting on them. There are far too many people who would not have made the same choice. You are not alone, and not weird for having those thoughts. They were implanted in you against your will, and intrusive thoughts are not your fault. They can also be healed, as long as they are in the open. Congratulations on the courage that you have had to share them; there are a lot of others who would not dare.
I remember when I was a teenager and babysitting, changing an infant's diaper, and the thought entered my mind to molest him. I kind of just shook my head and wondered where that came from and walked away from it. Through therapy I understand where it came from and don't feel shame anymore about that uninvited thought. Prior to therapy I would never have told anyone about that, feeling too ashamed.
Also, about the same sex attraction; I went through such a long period of not having intimacy with anyone, and when I did meet females that I could share everything with, I wondered about why I felt so attracted to them. After reading the book The Betrayal Bond (excellent book, btw) and doing my own counseling, I recognized that intimate relationship fuses with sexuality during the sexual abuse experience. We tend to recreate our abuse experiences until we understand them. There is nothing wrong with you... keep up the hard work and your recovery will be amazing. I am so proud of you.
I am 25 and I was molested by my brother when I was eight years old but I didn't remember it until I was about 19. I have awful thoughts as well I can't please my boyfriend sexually because I think about my brother being on top of me. I haven't had any therapy to help me get over my abuse but I need to because my life is in a social chaos because of this.
I think you are an incredibly courageous person. I am terrified that one day I might have to tell my future husband those same things about myself. I pray that you will continue to find strength in God, in knowing you are not alone, and in knowing the one thing that has given me so much hope during my struggles: God never loves you any less,never. No matter how many times I've had to ask for forgiveness I know that Christ is able to "present (us) faultless with great joy".
Jude 1:24
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