If I want to get turned on I just go to church for my fix

Hi,I am new to the forum, and I have recently been taking on the battle to stop looking at porn, and masturbating. One of the toughest areas I am also battling besides what is in my mind, is what I also see on a daily basis.

What I say from here may sound kind of strange, but please try to understand this situation. This is just a manifistation from the porn I have looked at and now I have to find a way to stop.

The problem is that I am extremely turned on for women who look very nice or well dressed - wearing black leather high heel stiletto pumps or knee high heel dress boots - no matter what she may be wearing with them - pencil skirts, jeans, dress pants - doesn't matter - if they are in high heels or boots, I am totally attracted to that as I find it very feminine and classy, but also very sexual. I just know in my mind that many women don't wear them, and so when I see a woman that does, I somehow equate them sexually into my mind.

My wife likes wearing her 3-4" stiletto black pumps for me often or if I ask her, but the sad part is that I don't really pay attention to her if she is wearing them. I am more consumed if it is another woman wearing them or for the pumps or boots themselves. If there is a period of time that I am not with my wife sexually, I have these strong desires which I follow through often to mastrubate onto and in her high heel pumps which I learned from reading and looking at so much porn doing this very act. I am consumed for an object that I can't see how to detach myself from it. At one point, I was so mad about the situation and couldn't stop, I have taken some of my wife's very expensive high heels and boots (i am talking $200+ or more each) and just thrown them in the trash because I felt my attraction to them was too strong. I thought I was taking a good stand, but that wasn't addressing the root of the problem - which I am still trying to figure out - why am I so attracted to women dressed like and wearing high heels? why? I can't figure it out. All I have ever heard is "whatever floats your boat", and "it's okay to be attractive to things".

The problem comes into play every week - God says I can have an escape when tempations arrives, but what do I do when I goto church, and these young college girls and women are all decked up at church, and I see them dressed like this, wearing the knee length skirts, wearing their high heels, seeing their legs - which just totally interrupts my mind, my prayers, my thinking, everything. What do I do when I see them with their legs crossed, bouncing their legs, flexing their feet in the high heels or rolling their ankels in their heels or boots? I have no escape it feels like. I goto church hoping to have a renewal and refreshing with God, but then find myself lusting in church more than I would if I were out of it. Do you know how stupid it is for me to know that if I want to get turned on - just goto church for my fix? It is driving me crazy in my mind this constant battle. Then all I think about is that woman wearing what I saw, and if my wife was to wear the same thing, I don't know if I would really care.

So really, what can I do here? I try to take my thoughts captive, but it seems like I always fail. The only way I can equate this is to a person who is a former alcoholic , but still has to goto the store and may have to pass the beer aisle. How do I get to the point that I don't feel this way about what I see and follow through acting out through masturbation?

I need prayer in this area of my life. I don't want to stand before God having to answer to this and why I never overcame it through His Strength. One of the biggest things that bothers me is that in Galatians 5:19-21, that people who engage in sexual immorality, perversion, and the likes, as a warning, that those who live like this, will not inherit the kingdom of God. When I read that, i feel sick. I am a Christian, and I know God has Mercy for us, but there is also Judgement. I don't want to give a false sense of security by saying, "God created me. He will understand why I had to do this and why I liked this. Jesus has covered my sin - I am not perfect". All this is just Lust in my heart, mind and flesh for perverted things, and I need it ripped out. I don't want to be sent to Hell for Porn and a stupid high heel fetish. I need some insight and some key things I can do to start looking at women differently, detaching myself from how a woman looks and wears, and making my heart, mind, flesh pure to God.

Then the other part that bothers me is that if there is a message about Jesus, it is His Love. I can only imagine being asked, "How did you love your wife while on earth?" My response, "I just lusted for her - I never knew love". If God is Love, and we know and practice Love, then we know God. I guess I don't, and that has to change.

Serious replies appreciated. Thanks.

homosexual relationship with my older brother

I witnessed my brother viewing pornography on the computer. My brother was 15 and I was 11. I was somewhat curious about what I saw on that computer screen. I saw my brother masturbating, so I thought I would try it. I fell in love with self-stimulation! After that, I began to view pornography every-so-often. It was "my secret little thing". I did not want anyone knowing about this, especially since my father was a pastor. I always had a feeling what I was doing was wrong, but I never really cared because "My life was perfect". This "secret thing" turned into an addiction within about six months.

Within about a year, I had a massive collection of pornography, over 300 images and 100 videos. I kept diving deeper into the world of sexual impurity and right after my 12th birthday I had my first of *many* same sex experiences. Why did this happen? Because I would do anything that would "satisfy" my sexual urges, even including sexual acts with a male. I had oral sex with a very close [male] friend. After it all happened, I felt even worse.

My pornography usage doubled and tripled. I was viewing porn 3-4 times a day. I would miss hanging out with friends just to watch a porn video. I kept relying on it to satisfy me, but it never did. I would masturbate and say to myself "that wasn't worth it", but in my mind I had to keep going. I started taking a "fondness" to males. I become so attracted to men, that I started having cyber sex with older men. When I say cyber-sex, I mean like webcams and everything.

I started wanting to experience gay sex, so I thought of a plan. I basically started a homosexual relationship with my older brother. My brother never really wanted to perform any "gay" acts, but I had the power of temptation on my side. Whenever I wanted sexual satisfaction, I would tempt him into performing random sexual favors for me. Did it stop at oral sex? Not at all! I preformed incest. All those happenings with my brother eventually sent me into a LARGE depression. In my mind, I had nothing to live for. My day consisted of school, eating, masturbating and watching porn.

The only effective pain reliever I have found so far is porn

My addiction is pornography and the other act that goes with it that I am too ashamed to write. The people that love me have told me many times that I need to stop this behavior. They tell me that I am hurting my family but they do not consider the extreme pain that I am in. I cannot tell you how bad I hurt on the inside! It is the pain of rejection. There are no words that you could say, or scripture that you could quote, that would ease this pain. The only effective pain reliever I have found so far is porn. Who would deny me of some pain free time? Even if it is just temporary.

No matter how well endowed you may think you are

I'm 39 years old. I had been exposed to sex and pornography since I was 8 years old (no joke). So it was embedded deep within my psyche. I had many years of the "nothing's wrong with it" phase. Then I became desensitized and straight sex held no interest at all, so things had to be perverse and freaky. Then I became such a sexual addict that I cheated on every girlfriend I ever had and would sleep with just about any willing female. By this time I knew that I was becoming (or already) deviant, and my conscience (now known as the Holy Spirit) was trying to reason with my brain, but the brain was having no part of it. Then I had the surgery that led to paraplegia, and was no longer able to function sexually at all (no feeling, no response, NOTHING), and you'd have thought that would have been the end, but I found out something; No matter how well endowed you may think you are, there's still one sexual organ that is bigger... THE BRAIN. I couldn't dare ask anyone to rent porn for me (that would have blown my well kept secret. I mail-ordered a few things, but that was too expensive for my new disabled fixed income, so Satan showed me the way to download free porn. I could find ANYTHING!!! I bought an external 250 gig hard drive, and I commenced to downloading. I would leave the computer on overnight, and I would sometimes take a week to download one, hard to get, clip or movie. I would be downloading 12 items at a time. I would go to bed late, and get up early in anticipation of what I would have waiting for me. I had been such a junkie that I had a LOT of stuff on there that I had not even gotten around to looking at yet, but I was still downloading more. All the while, the conscience was eating at me, but I was not stopping. Then I began looking at an evangelist on television. I used to make fun of this guy's commercials, but I found myself watching him one Sunday morning, and he addressed porn addiction in his sermon. Of course I denied an addiction, but as I thought about it, that was exactly what it was. I stopped the downloading, but I would not delete what I already had. I even went through periods where I didn't watch any of it, but I never deleted it. Then one day, I said to myself (or perhaps the Spirit said), I have no sexual function. "I'm getting absolutely NOTHING out of this!" And I called a friend over ( a female) to witness the deletion. I was fine with it for over a month; no regret, no temptation, then Satan whispered in my ear one morning and I fell for it. I went on a binge. I spent the whole day loading and looking. The main difference this time was that the conscience didn't just bother me, it BEAT THE DAYLIGHTS OUTTA ME!!! I have never in my life felt so worthless. Then came Satan's trick # 2. He tried to convince me that I was too ashamed to pray. That God was not gonna forgive me, and that I should just forget about trying to conquer this disease. Luckily, it didn't work. That is my message to everyone. When you backslide, don't be so ashamed that you think God won't forgive you. Pray a sincere prayer for forgiveness and strength to resist temptation, and then (this is the best part) FORGET ABOUT IT! Lamentations 3:22-23 says: "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning". God blesses us from THIS DAY forward. I'm living proof.

So I am now free, and that doesn't mean that I don't think about those videos. I think about them more than I'd like, but I now know Satan's tricks (he doesn't have any new ones). He goes after our weaknesses, but with my "Holy Conscience" I am able to shake it off and ignore him. As far as sexual impurity, at this time, I have no choice (haha), but I intend to be healed, and wen I am, sex will be saved until my wedding day.

I didn't mean to write all of this, and I apologize. tell you what... If you want to, you can copy and paste my testimony on any website you want. You can also add my e-mail address, and I don't think you know my last name, but my first name only.

[Leave a comment if you want Ron's email, I won't post it on a site cuz he will get spam]

You could say that I have anger issues towards women

I want you to understand something. It seems that only about five percent of me actually wants to be set free. The other ninety-five percent of me doesn't want any help ... So you can see the up hill battle I face every morning that I wake up. But that five percent keeps bringing me back here. You could say that I don't struggle with porn anymore, I just give in. In my twisted mind, the women of the world have what I want (sex) and they won't let me have it. I guess you could say that I have anger issues towards women. They can have sex anytime they want, with whomever they want.

Not every man masterbates till his penis is bleeding

I have heard people say "its every man's battle" please!! That is almost insulting to me. Not every man masterbates till his penis is bleeding, not every man breaks into his mother-in-law's home to see porn on her Satilete TV, not every man secretly spends hours and hours on the Internet looking for porn, not every man masterbates while driving...I did all those things...not every man does that.

My admission to being a sex addict was a huge blow against my pride. That is why I need to say "I'm a sex addict". If I don't my denial kicks in and I think I can handle this... and I can't.

I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain

Hi,I'm addicted to porn and masturbation.I'm 31 now, and it seemed to ruin my life since childhood. I've been trying to fight it ever since.I was molested by relatives, and once by a stranger in a mall, when I was a kid. My dad was a hard worker that didn't support anything that I've ever done. He never had a good word to say and always compared me to other kids, and still does even to this day. So I had nowhere to go, even when I was molested. I retreated into fantasy and compulsive masturbation, and I didn't even know what it was. I just knew that it had a anesthetizing affect on my pain.

The longest I've gone without porn and masturbation is a week. I used to say that if I didn't orgasm it didn't count. Boy, how deluded was my thinking!All of my experiences made me anorexic and manic depressive. I used porn and masturbation as a drug, but also to fantasize that someone loved me. The sick thing is that sometimes I fantasized about being abused. I don't really know why. I think maybe I wanted to reinforce the idea that I was a failure and unlovable. I thought that being molested ended any kind of normal life for me and my life was scarred forever.

Meanwhile, I re-live every sex scene

I am a 51 yr old liberal mom. I had my first and most devastating experience with a man addicted to porn. Why was it devestating? Emotionally they are not there with you. They are fantasizing, acting out or generally wanting you to engage in nasty sex. I did it to obtain his love. Big mistake. You will never reach guys who watch porn. They will always lust after others. That's a fact. I am trying to put together a program for our youth (I have 2 teenage sons). The final straw for me was my BF loudly announcing while camping that my p**** stinks. That was to excite him because he never wanted me to wash. Then he preceeded to tell me how very much he wanted to F*** a black girl that he became enamored with at that campout. Out of the otherside of his mouth he says, "I love you. Why won't you accept that? Long story short, I said I can't do this anymore. Three weeks to the day he had a new girlfriend. No pain. No in your heart lost love. Move on and move on quickly. Meanwhile, I relive every sex scene, the things said and done in the name of love. I wrote a dairy about the sex scenes, which my daughter found and read and became violently rageful on how I could let this happen to me. She said to me, mom what are you doing about what you've read about the effects of porn? If you want to make a difference, tell your story. Tell about the false intimacy. Tell about the secret dark world you found yourself in. She said, the things I read in there was not my mom. But it was. I participated in every sigle nasty sex scene to win his love....didn't work did it. He has no shame...it is what he loves. But, as Dr. Phil says, every person in those films is somebody's daughter or son. The thought of one of my sons being a porn star and f***ing women for other's pleasure and going home to his wife and kids inspires me to get involved in this crusade. Incest is big theme in porn. If my son has sex with his GF and calls her "mommie", I would be very offended. Why would he want to F*** his mother? We must speak up. We must refuse to continue or participate in relationships with men who watch porn. I wouldn't think of dating a cocaine addict. Why would I think porn is any different? It's not. A sex drug that kills the mind of love and intimacy.

I am having a hard time being intimate with a real person

...I have sucked so bad at relationships in the past, that my wife feels as if I don't desire her. I want her to so badly believe that my only desire in regards to sex is for her and no one or nothing else. I think part of this stems from the fact that I have been involved with porn & masturbation for so long, I am having a hard time being intimate with a real person, instead of being intimate with objects on a television screen. I don't know what to do sometimes, I just feel like I am struggling uphill with no summit in sight...

Just the "normal" porn wasn't good enough

My first time I was introduced to porn was when I was about 11. My friend who lived down the street who was the same age, was apparently allowed to have it. He lived with his mom, and in his room there was porn all over the place. It was never hidden, so I would believe that his mom had to know. And since his dad was no where to be found, where else would he be getting it from? Anyways, I had already been masturbating since I was 7 or so, not really knowing why, but I was. When i first saw this porn at my friends house, I was instantly hooked. I was practically living over is house, just so I could be around it constantly, and when I couldn't be there, I would "borrow" it and take it home and hide it. Porn changed my whole perception on what the world was really like. It made me think that all men and women were put on this earth for my pleasure. Being exposed to porn at such an early age, made drastic changes in my life, all for the bad of course! When I was 14 or so, I got my first computer. Back then it was BBS websites, nothing like it is today, but I was still seeking porn, or people. And I was still masturbating atleast 2-3 times a day. When I got to be about 16, and I got my first car, I would find myself picking up the free newspapers and looking for the porn ads and calling them, porn was in my head 24/7. I began "dating", but all it really was was picking up anyone I could just to have sex with them, and then rushing home to look at porn and mmasturbate again. My need for porn was out of control, even at the age of 17. After awhile, just the "normal" porn wasn't good enough. I was seeking more taboo subjects, or people. I would look at people and never think,oh they are nice people, I would look at them and sexualize them in my mind, just like I had seen in the porno's. I went to college and when I graduated, I began a career as a corrections officer. I passed all the tests with flying colors, I thought it was funny how I hid my addiction and now I was working for a police department! When I was 22 or so, I got the real internet as it exists today. Between cyber sex, porn sites, and emails, I could not get enough! Somewhere along the line, my porn addiction dipped into the child pornography. As I have told many people, the child pornography, to me, was never about sex. It was just another image to feed my addiction. I never talked to a underage person, or tried to meet an underage person, as we so frequently hear these days. But I did view and trade with other people child porn. I knew I had a problem and prayed to God to help me. And He did! I am currently awaiting sentencing on Feb. 3, 2006 in US Federal Court for possesion and distribution of child porn. And I am grateful!!!! I am facing some serious time in prison, but I am not bitter in the least. It's not like you can ask God to fix something under your terms, this is what He wants, and I will do as He asks. I have been using your monitoring program for about 2 months now, it is awesome, and I'm so grateful that you provide it free, since I am financially in ruins due to my pending incarceration. I went to my 12-step meeting this morning (saturday) and found out that your group will be coming to Willoughby Hills, Ohio next weekend, and I am anxious to go! I wish there was a way, I could help people realize just how horrible it really can get. I so grateful for people like you willing to make a stand and try to help others.

Bill

7 Years of Running Porn Sites

My name is Eugene,

for the last 7 years I have been an adult website ownerthis past year I have devolped severe depression and anxietyattacks (the depression and anxiety has wrecked my physical health)...My body aches all over my spirit feels completely crushed under the wheight of this blackness (sin)The majority of my anxiety attacks I have occured while'working' at my desk (I no longer work with porn).I have had two recent hospital stays for depression, one of them for attempted suicide. I have developed this hatred towards myself for the things I have done (I am not proud of who I have become), not ever considering the amount of harm I have done to the thousands and thousands of people who have visited and purchased items through my websites or to the families that could have been or have been destroyed because of my sin.This past week I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior....I have deleted all of my porn sites (over 300,000 images and videos)I prayed to God to give me guidence as to what to do with my domain urls - he told me to point the way to salvation with my most popular website.I am now redirecting traffic from one of my largest TGP sites ( http://smutmut.com/ , with over 14,224 unique visitors every 3 weeks) to http://xxxchurch.com/ - and have removed all other urls from my godaddy.com accountThese sites were how I made ends meet, as far as what I am going to do now for money... I am not sure right now but I know this much...God has a BIG plan for me.Pornography is no longer an option for meI can honestly say that pornography will 'kill'you emotionally spiritually and physically inevery sense of the word. It doesnt matter ifyou are a consumer, a producer or a porn actor...sooner or later the blackness will find you and consume you.the following photo is a box full of all my 'contacts' (emails, phone numbers, website addresses... etc.)and about 300 cds worth of adult content amounting to over500,000 images and countless video files.. http://smutmut.com/ps1.jpg

Pornography addiction is a whole body illness.

I was recently arrrested for exposing myself

I'm a 44 y/o male--only recently FORCED by the Lord to deal with LONG- STANDING sexual issues--to be completely open w/you, I was recently arrrested for exposing myself to teen girls--just today before a judge I pleaded guilty to 20 felony charges and 9 misdmnr. charges....I've really been a mess for years--in talking w/ a counselor, I've admitted to having this desire since I was about 8-12 years old and actually did perform this act during those years---oh how I wish I was caught THEN and gotten help as a child...I plead guilty cause I didn't want to fight it anymore--I wanted ownership and responsibility--I DO face the possibility of prison--that's up to the judge and God's Mercy--first time (caught) offense--very thankful to God for stoppong the bleeding--I mean, WHERE does THAT come from at such an early age???--Also, I'm very scared about the prison part--I've looked up prison rape on the net and I fit every description of one that gets attacked ...Next, my wife is divorcing over this--ironically, we're getting along better than ever through this as God--as she descibes, has removed a barrier in me. We have expressed love for each other like never b-4,---she just can't deal w/ the stigma right now---we also have a son --13 y/o who has Obsessive Compulsive Dis.--He's not doing well w/ it through this either--however, he never wanted much to do w/ the Gospel b-4, but now has been FAR more open than ever before. Please pray that God will continue to turn what was meant for evil and turn it in to Glory for Him---I see His gand moving in marvelous ways already, please also pray for my wif's peace and security--she's obviously very nervous about finances through this too, and please pray God's mercy on me through the judge and MOSTLY, for Him to continue to purify my heart!!!